Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Jarod's Top Ten Reasons To Sack Rome

You and your friends are bored. You've taken over Gaul....crossed the Rhine....introduced a new era of political instability....blah, blah, blah. You are getting restless. I mean, the other day you destroyed an entire caravan just for "failure to yield at a crosswalk". You NEED a hobby, something new, something exciting. But what do do, what to do?

Well gulp that mead and grab your low-thread linens - why not sack Rome?! As if you needed a reason, I give you TEN of them:

10 - More Fashionable armor. Let's face it, your armor is sooooo 301 AD (finger snap). Time to get WITH IT, people. And what's with that atrocious beard? Eewwww.
9 - Smaller, more practical goat-carts. AND, they can park conveniently - important when on the move, raiding villages.
8 - Better ice cream. You are not sure what ice cream is, or if it's even invented, but one thing you do know - if Rome has it - it's YOURS.
7 - Get the latest Gladiator gossip. Who's "in" this year? What are they wearing? Any scandals or rehab stints? And did you see Ordorus Agrippamus' performance at last week's Death Match Awards? Horrible. It's like he wasn't even TRYING.
6 - Get a Tan. Have you seen your pale legs lately, Northman? Eeewwwww.
5 - Free fiddle concert as Rome burns
4 - Hot Italian girls with cool accents. Why not check out some new scenery? I mean, around you it's nothing but GOTH chicks.
3 - The Emperor is a dork anyway. It's always "I will conquer this" and "I will build that" Time to knock that stupid wreath off his head!
2 - France is running out of surrendering villages. Okay, so France doesn't exist yet. But that doesn't stop them from raising their hands in surrender!
1 - And finally, Toga Party in the Forum! Last one there is a rotten sack of grain!

So, off you go....sack away, you wild and fun-loving barbarians, sack away!


PinkPiddyPaws said...

Wait? What?? Did someone say GOTH CHICKS??? Whoo..hoo.... Punk Rock! Black eyeliner... Oh, wait.... you meant "VISO" GOTH.
Damn.....and here you had me ready to rock and roll.

Yeah... Visogoths...not so hot. More like black teeth, bad hair and ewww....what *IS* that smell??

Ugh... get thee to Rome, barbarian! ha..ha..ha...!!


Ulrich said...


4 - Hot Italian chicks with cool accents...

Oddly I have in my mind Eddie Izzard talking about Italians riding around on Mopeds with their sunglasses on their heads....bum, bum, bum....bum,bum, bum.... (smile wink) "ciao"...

Not so little Woman said...

The whole post was great, but my favorite line will forever be "Smaller, more practical goat-carts"

ChickyBabe said...

And one day, the carts will turn to Vespas with hot guys on them... And Togas will be back again in the fashion capital of Milan.


Not so little Woman said...

I forgot to ask, because it's killing me: What inspired this post?

Jarod said...

CK - Head on to Rome!
Ulrich - Eddie is one of the few comedians that does historical humor. Great stuff.
NSLW - No reason. I just think about things like this.
Chickybabe - I agree - Togas should make a comeback!

PinkPiddyPaws said...

Bwa..ha.ha... The sad thing is - I've actually learned more history from Eddie Izzard than I ever have from school. Who knew? Apparently, humor makes me retain that stuff.

Dear lord..I hope he's actually telling me stuff that's right. What? What do you mean James Mason isn't God??? Liar! Take that back. ;)


Sarah Moffett said...

Lindsey Davis called. She loves you.