Thursday, September 27, 2007
- Like, why are cops called cops? Check this out, or whatever (CTOOW?) - it could be because of the copper badges they once wore, or it could be from the word "cop", which means "to sieze". As for which one it is, how should I know? LOL (eats Cheetos)
- What's with the electric guitar? Pretty much came around in the thirties so the audience could hear them over the the big band sound. But the audiences were totally lame...I mean, no moshing or nothing. First recording was in 1938 by some guy named George Barnes or something.
- Video Games...how long? N00b, you should know this. 1948, idea patented. 1958 "tennis for two" developed. The first home video game system was the Magnavox Odyssey in 1972, totally pwning Atari by a few years.
- Chewing gum? AAMOF, there are traces of birch bark tar as early as 5,000 years ago. People chewed all kinds of resins and stuff for centuries, (O RLY?) ...Native Americans chewed spruce resin, settlers dug it, picked up on the practice - some dude named John Curtis sold the first commercial gum in 1848 called "The State of Maine Pure Spruce Gum." In the 1860's chicle was imported from Mexico, used as a gum base. Totally smooth texture, BTW. Kind of like the beginning of modern gum, I guess.
Meh, that is like, at least four facts now. Enough, bro, NTY! Quick, grab that Wii control before your brain goes Commodore 64.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
- A good way to ruin a first date is to show up in an fully accurate 1820's whaling outfit.
- If I ask for a "Large" instead of a "Vente" at Starbucks, will I be immediately arrested?
- I can't prove it, but underneath the banjo and smiles, Kermit the Frog is planning something sinister.
- Sometimes, you have to drop everything and prance around whooping like Curly.
- Let's face it, Cinderella's lack of political experience would have left her new kingdom in financial ruin.
- The Kool-Aid Man gets points for style, but nobody bursts into a room like the Hulk.
- Every now and then you will catch a squirrel standing there staring at you, berry in mouth. This is indeed cause for alarm, and we should all be concerned.
- Just previously, I may have been wrong about James Taylor being folk music. Is he? I'm, not sure.
- It's always "guys are silly" this, and "girls are mean" that. Are we really that different?
- If they ever discover Santa is real, he will be immediately sued by the toy industry and grounded by the FAA.
- Transportation of the future? Three words: "Highly Accurate Catapults."
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Well gulp that mead and grab your low-thread linens - why not sack Rome?! As if you needed a reason, I give you TEN of them:
10 - More Fashionable armor. Let's face it, your armor is sooooo 301 AD (finger snap). Time to get WITH IT, people. And what's with that atrocious beard? Eewwww.
9 - Smaller, more practical goat-carts. AND, they can park conveniently - important when on the move, raiding villages.
8 - Better ice cream. You are not sure what ice cream is, or if it's even invented, but one thing you do know - if Rome has it - it's YOURS.
7 - Get the latest Gladiator gossip. Who's "in" this year? What are they wearing? Any scandals or rehab stints? And did you see Ordorus Agrippamus' performance at last week's Death Match Awards? Horrible. It's like he wasn't even TRYING.
6 - Get a Tan. Have you seen your pale legs lately, Northman? Eeewwwww.
5 - Free fiddle concert as Rome burns
4 - Hot Italian girls with cool accents. Why not check out some new scenery? I mean, around you it's nothing but GOTH chicks.
3 - The Emperor is a dork anyway. It's always "I will conquer this" and "I will build that" Time to knock that stupid wreath off his head!
2 - France is running out of surrendering villages. Okay, so France doesn't exist yet. But that doesn't stop them from raising their hands in surrender!
1 - And finally, Toga Party in the Forum! Last one there is a rotten sack of grain!
So, off you go....sack away, you wild and fun-loving barbarians, sack away!
Monday, September 17, 2007
The Concert. Plenty of dancing. Plenty of shaved heads and goatees. You could hear the bass thumping all the way down on Central Park South!
I don't care how many times I've seen it, I always love going here. Points to anyone who can tell me who the armor on the left belonged to.
I also love seeing these fellas. Hey, who doesn't?
By the way, has anyone been to Revels on little 12th street? It's nice, open - just a cool place. I recommend it for a casual early evening hang.
That's all, carry on!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Saturday, September 8, 2007
- Disrespect for the elderly. The next time you are behind a slow elderly person, breath in, relax, and remember - they have been on this planet a lot longer than you. They may be a war veteran, a great grandmother, or a volunteer. To be sure, they have seen things you haven't, and lived in a time before a lot of our conveniences. Old people are ALLOWED to drive slow, you ungrateful punk!
- Finding the outdoors "Icky". Quit being so cosmopolitan and run around in the woods once in a while! You have Tivo, don't you?
- The whole "having to find someone" thing. It bugs me how people feel they aren't complete until they find someone. Why? Having someone is nice, but it shouldn't define who you are. Am I right? (goes to couch and watches Sleepless in Seattle while eating bon-bons)
- Not taking care of your tools/knives. Okaaaaay, so it's not the end of the world if you don't. But try, people!
(A younger me polishing one of my first knives, like a good little bladesmith)
- People who let their activism or education kill their sense of humor. Activism is a great thing, but try to not let it quell your irreverence. For example, read the following two statements: "The more librarian-like a woman's glasses, the more easily offended she is" and "For all we know, the baby seals are hatching a plot to kill us all". Did they make you smile, or offend you? Welllll?
- Those fake, modern log cabins. If you are going to live in a log cabin, it should be OLD SCHOOL
This is not a log cabin
THIS is a log cabin!
- People who are unable to fix small things around the house. You don't have to be Bubba the handyman, but come on, every man and woman should at least know how to hammer a nail and change a car tire.
- Meat-market type night clubs. You know the drill. The guys with their shirts unbuttoned and hair carefully disarranged. The girls pursing their lips and wearing their latest booty outfit. Everyone trying to act as "cool" as possible. It's all so absurd, how can anyone actually take it seriously? I'd love to see the Marx Brothers suddenly descend on the dance floor.
- Tearing down historic buildings. Once they are gone, that's it, there is no "do over". Hey, I am all for progress, but give a little nod to the past, it won't hurt cha'!
And now for a general list. I bet you dollars to donuts you agree with at least some of these:
- Car Alarms (they go off so often they are redundant)
- The little logos and ads at the bottom of the TV screen. Stop it! Who authorized this?
- The itch toxin in Mosquitoes. Is it REALLY necessary?
- Bling. Stop it!
- Celebrity worship. Hey, I think Angelina Jolie is pretty, but I don't care what she ate for dinner, or how many hundreds of kids she has (Unless she is having kids with me, then sentiment is somehow null and void).
- Bubonic Plague. Never liked it, never will.
- Talking on cellphones loudly in crowds. Yes, it is annoying, and YES it is bad manners. Stop it!
- People who make lists about things they like or dislike. (you KNEW that was coming didn't you? Didn't you?!!)
Well, that's all for now. My rant is over. The soapbox has been placed carefully in storage, and the indignant, furrowed frown is relaxed and non-agitated. Carry on!
Monday, September 3, 2007
The Sandman, Spidey (doesn't he look like Tobey?) Wolverine, and the Blackcat.