Today's History Lesson For Generation Z

I'm "hip" to your problems, young fellers. I'm groovy, and I know that you can't... like...be wasting your time with long, totally boring history lessons while the X-box sits just feet away - gag me with a spoon (look up meaning). So FWIW, here are some quick facts for you - some history "bling" if you will (unless that is SO 2005). And please, DFTT.

- Like, why are cops called cops? Check this out, or whatever (CTOOW?) - it could be because of the copper badges they once wore, or it could be from the word "cop", which means "to sieze". As for which one it is, how should I know? LOL (eats Cheetos)

- What's with the electric guitar? Pretty much came around in the thirties so the audience could hear them over the the big band sound. But the audiences were totally lame...I mean, no moshing or nothing. First recording was in 1938 by some guy named George Barnes or something.

- Video Games...how long? N00b, you should know this. 1948, idea patented. 1958 "tennis for two" developed. The first home video game system was the Magnavox Odyssey in 1972, totally pwning Atari by a few years.

- Chewing gum? AAMOF, there are traces of birch bark tar as early as 5,000 years ago. People chewed all kinds of resins and stuff for centuries, (O RLY?) ...Native Americans chewed spruce resin, settlers dug it, picked up on the practice - some dude named John Curtis sold the first commercial gum in 1848 called "The State of Maine Pure Spruce Gum." In the 1860's chicle was imported from Mexico, used as a gum base. Totally smooth texture, BTW. Kind of like the beginning of modern gum, I guess.

Meh, that is like, at least four facts now. Enough, bro, NTY! Quick, grab that Wii control before your brain goes Commodore 64.

EOM

Today's Random Observations

Just some random observations for today. No order, or actual point, but here you go:

- A good way to ruin a first date is to show up in an fully accurate 1820's whaling outfit.

- If I ask for a "Large" instead of a "Vente" at Starbucks, will I be immediately arrested?

- I can't prove it, but underneath the banjo and smiles, Kermit the Frog is planning something sinister.

- Sometimes, you have to drop everything and prance around whooping like Curly.

- Let's face it, Cinderella's lack of political experience would have left her new kingdom in financial ruin.

- The Kool-Aid Man gets points for style, but nobody bursts into a room like the Hulk.

- Every now and then you will catch a squirrel standing there staring at you, berry in mouth. This is indeed cause for alarm, and we should all be concerned.

- Just previously, I may have been wrong about James Taylor being folk music. Is he? I'm, not sure.

- It's always "guys are silly" this, and "girls are mean" that. Are we really that different?

- If they ever discover Santa is real, he will be immediately sued by the toy industry and grounded by the FAA.

- Transportation of the future? Three words: "Highly Accurate Catapults."

Folk Music? Why not.

I remember when I was young my mom would play James Taylor while studying for her PHD in English. And guess what we sat on to listen to it - that's right, a bean bed! How groovy is THAT? It was a giant 70's folk fiesta. So in honor of those days, here is my James Taylor impression I recorded on my computer mic. Did I wear folk clothes? I'm not telling.

http://www.jarodkearney.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/taylor.mp3

Jarod's Top Ten Reasons To Sack Rome

You and your friends are bored. You've taken over Gaul....crossed the Rhine....introduced a new era of political instability....blah, blah, blah. You are getting restless. I mean, the other day you destroyed an entire caravan just for "failure to yield at a crosswalk". You NEED a hobby, something new, something exciting. But what do do, what to do?

Well gulp that mead and grab your low-thread linens - why not sack Rome?! As if you needed a reason, I give you TEN of them:

10 - More Fashionable armor. Let's face it, your armor is sooooo 301 AD (finger snap). Time to get WITH IT, people. And what's with that atrocious beard? Eewwww.
9 - Smaller, more practical goat-carts. AND, they can park conveniently - important when on the move, raiding villages.
8 - Better ice cream. You are not sure what ice cream is, or if it's even invented, but one thing you do know - if Rome has it - it's YOURS.
7 - Get the latest Gladiator gossip. Who's "in" this year? What are they wearing? Any scandals or rehab stints? And did you see Ordorus Agrippamus' performance at last week's Death Match Awards? Horrible. It's like he wasn't even TRYING.
6 - Get a Tan. Have you seen your pale legs lately, Northman? Eeewwwww.
5 - Free fiddle concert as Rome burns
4 - Hot Italian girls with cool accents. Why not check out some new scenery? I mean, around you it's nothing but GOTH chicks.
3 - The Emperor is a dork anyway. It's always "I will conquer this" and "I will build that" Time to knock that stupid wreath off his head!
2 - France is running out of surrendering villages. Okay, so France doesn't exist yet. But that doesn't stop them from raising their hands in surrender!
1 - And finally, Toga Party in the Forum! Last one there is a rotten sack of grain!

So, off you go....sack away, you wild and fun-loving barbarians, sack away!

Concert in Central Park

Got together with a bunch of friends and saw Underworld at Central Park this weekend. A great weekend of fun, excellent music, and excellent food....


The Concert. Plenty of dancing. Plenty of shaved heads and goatees. You could hear the bass thumping all the way down on Central Park South!


I don't care how many times I've seen it, I always love going here. Points to anyone who can tell me who the armor on the left belonged to.


I also love seeing these fellas. Hey, who doesn't?

By the way, has anyone been to Revels on little 12th street? It's nice, open - just a cool place. I recommend it for a casual early evening hang.

That's all, carry on!

Decorations - What do you Like?

In the spirit of some other blog posts lately, I thought I'd post a few decorations that I have around my house. I'd be interested to see what decorations other people like. Any favs? Post them on your blogs if you get a chance!

- A WWII Japanese Katana, and the painting I got in China from a famous artist.

- A letter from Theodore Roosevelt. Pretty groovy, eh? (yes, these artifacts are real)

- A cuneiform tablet from 1,800 BC, a Han Dynasty small pot, two oil lamps ca 200 AD

- A Confederate 1864 $10 note , and a Union 1863 $5 dollar note. Sort of symbolizing my "Northern and Southernness", since I've lived in both worlds.

- Indian artifacts I've found, and various other artifacts

- A 1750's Pennsylvania long-rifle. It is a reproduction, but a firing one. It is LOUD. The powderhorn in the middle is probably mid-1700s.

- Two of my "boys"

- "The General" I love this guy, he is a reproduction of the famous Terracotta General, and I dragged him all around China. He is not light!

- Various Roman coins. The gold one is Byzantine.



- Some woodcarvings I made.

- 1600s parchment. Ever try to read one of these?

And finally, not a decoration, but Mr. Cat will pose where he chooses!

And Now For....Things I Don't Like! (insert circus music)

In a previous post, I went on and on like a $15.00 Hallmark card about things I like in life. But someone (I believe it was Bugs Bunny) once said you can't have yin without yang, good without bad, The Terminator without a pale, groveling Woody Allen. So in the spirit of that wisdom, I give you....things I don't like:

- Disrespect for the elderly. The next time you are behind a slow elderly person, breath in, relax, and remember - they have been on this planet a lot longer than you. They may be a war veteran, a great grandmother, or a volunteer. To be sure, they have seen things you haven't, and lived in a time before a lot of our conveniences. Old people are ALLOWED to drive slow, you ungrateful punk!

- Finding the outdoors "Icky". Quit being so cosmopolitan and run around in the woods once in a while! You have Tivo, don't you?

- The whole "having to find someone" thing. It bugs me how people feel they aren't complete until they find someone. Why? Having someone is nice, but it shouldn't define who you are. Am I right? (goes to couch and watches Sleepless in Seattle while eating bon-bons)

- Not taking care of your tools/knives. Okaaaaay, so it's not the end of the world if you don't. But try, people!

(A younger me polishing one of my first knives, like a good little bladesmith)

- People who let their activism or education kill their sense of humor. Activism is a great thing, but try to not let it quell your irreverence. For example, read the following two statements: "The more librarian-like a woman's glasses, the more easily offended she is" and "For all we know, the baby seals are hatching a plot to kill us all". Did they make you smile, or offend you? Welllll?

- Those fake, modern log cabins. If you are going to live in a log cabin, it should be OLD SCHOOL

This is not a log cabin


THIS is a log cabin!

- People who are unable to fix small things around the house. You don't have to be Bubba the handyman, but come on, every man and woman should at least know how to hammer a nail and change a car tire.

- Meat-market type night clubs. You know the drill. The guys with their shirts unbuttoned and hair carefully disarranged. The girls pursing their lips and wearing their latest booty outfit. Everyone trying to act as "cool" as possible. It's all so absurd, how can anyone actually take it seriously? I'd love to see the Marx Brothers suddenly descend on the dance floor.

- Tearing down historic buildings. Once they are gone, that's it, there is no "do over". Hey, I am all for progress, but give a little nod to the past, it won't hurt cha'!

And now for a general list. I bet you dollars to donuts you agree with at least some of these:

- Car Alarms (they go off so often they are redundant)
- The little logos and ads at the bottom of the TV screen. Stop it! Who authorized this?
- The itch toxin in Mosquitoes. Is it REALLY necessary?
- Bling. Stop it!
- Celebrity worship. Hey, I think Angelina Jolie is pretty, but I don't care what she ate for dinner, or how many hundreds of kids she has (Unless she is having kids with me, then sentiment is somehow null and void).
- Bubonic Plague. Never liked it, never will.
- Talking on cellphones loudly in crowds. Yes, it is annoying, and YES it is bad manners. Stop it!
- People who make lists about things they like or dislike. (you KNEW that was coming didn't you? Didn't you?!!)

Well, that's all for now. My rant is over. The soapbox has been placed carefully in storage, and the indignant, furrowed frown is relaxed and non-agitated. Carry on!

Nerdfest 2007: Back From Dragoncon!

That's right. I went to Dragoncon this weekend in Atlanta, one of the largest Sci-fi/fantasy conventions in the country. I absolutely loved it! What can be said that you aren't already imagining? Basically every comic that you can think of was there, famous artists, sci-fi celebrities, writers - room after nerd-filled room. But of course, the best thing, and the most hilarious, was the COSTUMES. They were was absolutely amazing, and the work some of these people put into them was incredible. There was a wide range - some weren't very good, and some of the people -to put it kindly - should not be in spandex. But a lot of them were fantastic.

Another hilarious phenomenon was the girls that were were in "show-off" mode, pandering to the nerds with plenty of cleavage and corsets. Personally, I find the whole "look-how-hot-I-am" thing somewhat silly, but in this case it seemed to be all in good fun and everyone was sort of "in on the joke." To be sure, the guys who can't get girls in real life were certainly loving it, so it's kind of a charity service, maybe :)

One of the coolest things, though, was I got to meet Steve Niles, creator of 30 Days of Night. This is a famous vampire graphic novel, and is coming out as a movie this fall with Josh Harnett. He was cool, and signed a couple comics for me.

So anyway, without further ado, here are some pics - check out these amazing costumes, folks!

Gandalf and Frodo with some happy lady.

The Tick! "Spooooooooooon!"

My friend Mike and a Stormtrooper

The Gears of War guys. I mean come on, how impressive is this?

Should this guy REALLY be in a tight skirt?

Bender from Futurama.

The Sandman, Spidey (doesn't he look like Tobey?) Wolverine, and the Blackcat.

How Batman and Robin would look if they lived in their mother's basement.

Some pretty good Harry Potter character costumes (Fleur Delacour, Sirius, Bellatrix, and Snape)

The "Sith Cheerleaders"

Daniel LaRusso. A costume of a character in costume!

A hilarious robot.

For the guys, I give you some eye-candy. For the ladies, I give you....."Stormtrooper Elvis"!

Well, thats all for now folks. And remember, May the Force be with you. Live long and prosper.... Wolverine can beat up Iron Man. Batman didn't have armored suits in the original series. Everyone knows that the original Godzilla was NOT a giant iguana....