Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Jarod's Top Ten Reasons to Invade England.

So you just sacked Rome. You're feelin' good, walkin' with a strut....your carts are filled with the latest in wreath fashion. But now what? I mean, you can't possibly go back to wandering aimlessly, attacking small villages and burning those cute little huts. That was yesterday, folks -how passe. You are a STAR now, a successful brand. You need something bigger, brighter - something to really get the parchments gossiping - The solution lies before you like a giant, pale, foppish mound of earth.....England, baby! Why invade England, you ask? Well here are ten reasons to feed your PR people:

10 - Laugh at the dancing. Have you ever seen the English dance? It's like a herd of wildebeests throwing themselves repeatedly against an electric fence.

9 - No annoying "Sun" or "Blue Skies". Outside of England it's always "Isn't it a nice day?" or "Hey, great weather we're having." None of that malarkey in England.

8 - Watch the aliens build Stonehenge. A plethora of entertainment. Bring the wife and kids!

7 - No French. This is an added bonus to any situation, of course.

6 - Knock off those annoying bowler hats. It's true, bowler hats haven't been invented yet, but that won't stop you from knocking them off the English heads. Extra: try punching through the hats for further insult.

5 - No dentist drills. The English hate dentists, and you will never hear that annoying drill.

4 - Learn grammar. The English will be the first to correct your badly written war-chants. "It's not 'Burned to ashes' it's 'Burn to ashes'....you are confusing your tenses."

3 - Lose weight from the food. Have you ever eaten a "boiled hamburger?" Enough said.

2- Merlin is the hook up. Who better to get girls than a crazed, hooded figure that disappears into the mist?

And finally,

1 - Invade England, win a tapestry!

Well, that's all for now. Have a nice invasion!


LisaBinDaCity said...

I love England, can't we invade France instead? Pretty please? ;-)

Not so little Woman said...

I must have English ancestors, because I correct everyone's grammar. At least in Spanish!

Jarod said...

Lisa - I love England too, but sometimes you just have invade that sucker. On the other hand, France has been looking tempting lately, and who am I too deny LisaB her wish! (possible post brewing)
NSLW - You could be at the front of the lines, bravely correcting the enemy's grammar.

abbersnail said...

I love this. So random and so awesome, all at the same time!

Courtney said...

What useful advice! I will remember this next time I invade a country.

Whiskeymarie said...

You forgot:
Invade England, land of cheddar cheese!

I love cheddar...
Excuse me now. (I'm being polite as the English seem so damn polite)