Thursday, December 7, 2006

My Description of William Howe, British General During the Revolution

A loathsome and unfortunate man whose sole purpose in life seemed to be the diffusion of knowledge that he was an utter and complete boob. Bug eyed, club-footed, hunched, confused, and a drooler, General Howe's demeanor was widely considered "nauseatingly unsound", and most contemporaries were forced to conclude that he was hatched by pitwolves as the only logical source of his existence. His conversation skills were so inept and unsettling that he was accidentally reported three times to the Sanitary Commission as a "loose and moving invalid in need of immediate acquisition". His own wife aspired to have herself committed on several occasions rather than "suffer one more excruciatingly boring anecdote". His physical appearance was at best unsanitary, and in his younger years ladies were known to describe his facial features as "generally depressing". His diplomatic excursions were disastrous to the point of amusement, and his political peers eagerly awaited his presence at state dinners, believing that "the full belly laughs obtained from listening to his French were good for digestion".

Confused half his life and uninspired the other, General Howe's most redeeming quality was that he was never in complete charge of the British military. Had he been so, scientists estimate that not only would the war have been twice as disastrous for the British, but to this very day England would somehow be ruled by Luxembourg.

5 comments:

Mike Britton said...

A truly excruciating and embarrassing portrait of an unfortunate persona. While most would undoubtedly pity him, if not for his overall incompetance than for his remarkable ineffectiveness, I prefer to simply dismiss him.

jarod said...

If you ever encounter a person who you want to slap vigorously, have arrested, or simply punch in the face the chances are good that he is a descendant of William Howe.

Andy Coon said...

Are you trying to position George W. as a descendant of William Howe? Or are you comparing these time with the American Revolution? We used gorilla warfare tactics while the Brits tried to occupy this country and maintain a civil society while we fought for our freedom. Interesting Post.

Nedra said...

Any recommended bios you would suggest to read on William Howe?

Jarod said...

Well, any bio you read will leave you in a state of serious medical depression, but "Logistics and the Failure of the British Army in America" by Arthur Bowler is pretty good.