Jarod's Version of Movie Scenes

How often do you watch a movie scene and after it's over think - "Yeah, right"? Quite often, I would guess! Sure they're only movies, and that's part of the fun, but why not imagine your own scene outcomes? I'm going to pick some movie scenes, and then give my version of the outcome versus what Hollywood produced. I'd like to hear some of yours.

- The scene: "Timeline" where a group of modern day people are standing in front of English lord Oliver De Vannes after being transported into medieval Europe.
- Movie Outcome: After some discussion, one is beheaded and the rest are imprisoned
- My Outcome: They have trouble understanding what the English lord is saying, since he should be speaking middle English. De Vannes does not understand their modern dialect. They are imprisoned, and eventually get sick from drinking the water. They are believed to have brought disease and are killed. Credits roll.

- The Scene: "You had me at Hello"
- The Outcome: Jerry Maguire and Dorothy (Renee Zellweger) get together and things are great!
- My Outcome: There is a blackout, then the words "Ten Years Later" pop up. They are both a little fat, and the kid is still living at home. Jerry has become a drunk, because although he was caught up in the moment, he never really truly loved her. Dorothy is a pill popper, and miserable. Jerry is watching the football game while Dorothy looks longingly out the window, and the credits roll.

- The Scene: "Pirates of the Caribbean" where Kiera Knightly asks for Parley
- Movie Outcome: She gets it.
- My outcome: She is immediately attacked and killed.

- The Scene: (Spoiler Alert) End of The Usual Suspects, where Kevin Spacey is revealed to be Keyser Soze.
- Movie Outcome: He gets in a car and drives off, presumably to resume his criminal activities
- My Outcome: Upon reflection, he is impressed with his own acting talents. He joins a local theater, lightens up a little, takes up painting. Credits roll.

5k!

Okay, so I just finished running a 5k in Charlottesville. This may be my first official 5k, and it was quite an event. Lots of people, an actual timer thingy (is thingy an accepted word?), and plenty of water bottles. It was for organ donation, which is extra cool. I didn't come in first, but hey....I didn't come in last. I actually did better than I thought!
"Yeah right, Jarod" you are thinking - "you just sat on the couch". Well Mr. Smarty Pants, here is a picture of my packet for proof! Next to Mr. Cat, who apparently had better things to do.

Today's T-shirts

Today's random t-shirt ideas:

- "There's a Strong Chance I Was Wearing This Yesterday"

- "I'm Tired Of Bracing For the 'Ride of My Life'"

- "If You Could See The Real Me....You Would Still Be Unimpressed"

- "I Wish Spiderman Would Stop Crying"

- "Don't Count Me Out, This is a $5,000 T-Shirt"

- "We're Only Replicants"

- "Warning: You Will Be Subject To A Plastic, Superficial Version Of My Personality"

- "Lawyer on Speed-dial"

- "Let's Face It: If I Were Better Looking I Wouldn't Need A T-Shirt To Get Attention"

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What's The Difference Between a Catapult and a Trebuchet?

Don't deny it. You've been sitting there for hours, possibly days, wondering what the difference is between a catapult and a trebuchet. It has consumed you, turning you into a hermit, and your friends and family are concerned. Well load the stones and grease the gears, and I'm here to help! Here is the difference, basically:

- Catapults are any device that throws an object, although it commonly refers to the medieval siege weapon.

- Trebuchets are a TYPE of catapult, using gravity (with a counterweight) or traction (men pulling down), to propel the arm and often employing a sling at the end of the arm for greater distance. This is different from other catapults in that it doesn't use built up tension for it's throwing force.

I know, I know, there's more to it, Mr. Fancy Pants. This is a just quick fix - I'm trying to save you from a life of hermitry.

Here is a cool animation of a trebuchet - http://www.redstoneprojects.com/trebuchetstore/treb_animated.html

If you want to see different types in recent films, watch the Return of the King - during the siege of Minas Tirith the Orcs use tension catapults (mangonels for the nerds) and the men use trebuchets. Also, in "King Arthur", the woads use traction trebuchets (men pulling down) - plus Keira Knightley is in a leather strap outfit (who needs historical accuracy?).

So now you know. Try not to launch pianos into your neighbor's lawn.

Come hang with me on my facebook photography page. :)

Stories in Two Sentences

Just for fun, why not write a story in two sentences? Here is my attempt:

- As Bert sailed over the Hudson river at 140 miles per hour, he folded his arms indignantly. 'You'd think they'd put safeguards on a 70-foot wooden catapult, he thought with a scowl.

- She looked at her chain-smoking husband, sitting on the couch with his 50 pounds of gained weight while clutching the remote and picking his nose. "Well," she sighed, "I was dumb enough to have kids with him, so looks like my life is pretty much laid out."

- 'Surely this is a dream' thought Marty "Stonewall" Hackenburg as the 25-foot Burmese Python tightened it's coils around his fat, middle-aged body and began sliding it's massive jaws over his head.
His cellphone began to ring a delightful little Joan Baez compilation he had picked out himself, and Marty - unable to move his hands - rolled his eyes at this new inconvenience.

- "Superman must be bored again" thought Mrs. Berklstan as she looked up at the moon, revealing a perfectly shaped, 10,000-mile engraving of Superman bent over and exposing his buttocks to the earth. "Well, he did a nice job with the cape this time."

- "Hey, what is this button?", Stan asked. Ten seconds later, the earth was covered in a mile thick layer of bean-dip.

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What Exactly IS Parchment, Anyway?

I can see how it happened. You got tired of sending the constant text-messages, the endless emails - your fingers were raw, worked and aching like grouchy little piglets. You wanted something different, a new way of communicating. Then it came to you - "Hey!" you exclaimed, jumping up from the cubicle farm, startling Bertha in accounting and knocking over her triple latte, "It's so simple!" You stood on your chair, put your left hand on your hip and raised your right in a grandiose, Ceasaresque gesture "My fellow co-workers" You exclaimed, chin high and set with determination, "From this day forth, I shall send all my messages by....(wait for it).....PARCHMENT!"

You stood like a proud statue, but the room remained silent except for Ned from sales who gave an enthusiast clap followed by a Vulcan hand gesture. You sat back down, energized from your new undertaking. However, you suddenly realized that you had no idea what parchment is, or how it is made. A small matter, you thought, as you went to your computer to type away the answer. Well, here it is, brave crusader!:

- Parchment is calf-skin, sheep skin, or goat skin scraped thin, stretched and dried creating a material ideal for manuscripts.

- Parchment began replacing papyrus as the popular material for manuscripts around the 4th century AD, although it was used earlier by the Assyrians, Babylonians, and various other cultures. Some say this was because parchment had a "hip look", and those using it were sure to land thousand-goat book-deals. (Others say the papyrus reeds were over-harvested and parchment was used to adapt, but like the theory of evolution, you can ignore that)

- Vellum is parchment made exclusively from calf-skin. Be sure to use this knowledge to impress your next date.

- Parchment was expensive, and generally only available to the wealthy. Some monasteries such as the Benedictines had their own livestock and butchers, enabling their output of fine documents. Of course, Org the Muck-Enthusiast couldn't read anyway, but at least the books were nice and shiny!

- Parchment was made by soaking skins in lime to remove the hair, then stretched and dried over a frame. It was then scraped thin and cut for use. If you want to try this at home, do it in your living room to really impress the mother-in-law. For a great conversation piece, try leaving out the lime-hair bucket.

So, young master, now that you know what parchment is, go forth unto the world and write! Break out the quill pen, boil the walnut ink, and find yourself a nice herd of calves. No more microscopic message keys! No more cramped little screens and twitching eye-muscles! Spread your parchment wide and scribe, sir, scribe!

Today's T-Shirts

- "I May or May Not Be Indecisive"

- "I Recently Won The Lottery, Single, and Likely to Buy You A Car"

- "Willing Alien Servant"

- "Sorry, Sky-Diving Won't Erase The Memories of Being a Geek"

- "LOOK, LOOK! PLEASE NOTICE ME!"

- "Member: Emperor Trajan Fan Club"

- "Let's Face it, The Clock is Ticking And I"m Probably the Best You'll Get"

- "You Will Remember This T-Shirt"

- "If You Think Shoes Are more Important Than Manners, You Are Part Of The Problem"

- "Instead Of A Parrot On My Shoulder, I Have Nothing"

- "I (Heart) Simplified Representations of Organs"

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