Jarod's Forge

Functional Sweeney Todd Prop Razor

2010-11-26T19:30:00.002-05:00

Here is one of a pair of working Sweeney Todd prop razors I made for a local theater production. The one had a blood tube which when squeezed spurted on the throat of the actor. Looked very real. If you are doing a production of Sweeney Todd I am happy to make you a pair - just email me (on my profile) or visit my site: www.jarodkearney.com

Custom Harry Potter Wand

2010-11-19T02:22:00.006-05:00

Here is a custom Harry Potter style wand I made for a customer with a snake wrapped around the handle - carved from a single piece of walnut - definitely for the Slytherin wizard!

The next wand is carved out of a single piece of cocabola wood for a customer. It should vanquish the enemy! If you want one, check out my wood carving page and I'm happy to make it to your specifications!

Check out my site for my other handmade crafts: www.jarodkearney.com

Handmade Custom Vampire Stake

2010-11-15T20:32:00.002-05:00

I carved this vampire stake out of apple wood. It has a Celtic knot patten handle and tung-oil finish. You never know when you need protection against a vampire attack!

For this and my other woodcarvings/weapons/knives check out my site:

www.jarodkearney.com

Custom Damascus Keychain

2010-11-15T12:06:00.003-05:00

Made this custom Damascus keychain for a customer. It's 1095, 0-1 steel and nickel in a twist pattern. I really enjoyed making this little piece. Visit my website for fine custom blades and crafts:

www.jarodkearney.com

May Day: Pagans, Christians, and a Whole Lot of Pole-Dancing

2010-04-12T10:08:00.000-05:00

It's an all too familiar scenario. You are sleeping and comfortable, snuggled in your bed while dreaming wondrous and exotic visions. Perhaps you are a fairy, flying about with your perky little wings, possibly sprinkling some sort of radiant dust. Or maybe you just received a parachute package from your luxurious CEO job, relaxing on the beach as your colleagues are unanimously arrested. Or, perhaps, your band just signed with Atlantic records, and....and....Suddenly your cellphone ringtones the latest Kevin Federline masterpiece, waking you crudely from your slumber. It is, of course, your mother.

"It's time!" she says gleefully, "Go wash your face in the dew!"

You groan. You resist. But in the end, you drag yourself up, stumble out in the backyard, and wash your face in the crisp morning dew. It is, after all May Day, and who are you to break hundreds of years of tradition?

"But what IS May Day?" you ask, beckoning into the burning hue of the rising sun. "Where does it come from - and what's with that GIANT POLE?"

Well, here are a few items to ponder as your your face dries. It should be noted that May Day is somewhat elusive - some of these may be more legend than historical fact. Perhaps the thing to do is just take a Valium and go with it.

- May Day celebrations go back to pre-Christian Europe, particularly with the Celtic Beltane celebration and the Germanic Walpurgis-Night. Beltane marked the beginning of the Gaelic pastoral season, and involved dancing around fires, baking cakes and burning effigies. Walpurgis coincides with an older Germanic holiday, but is named after St. Walburga, the Abbess of the monastery in Heidenheim who died in 779 AD. Celebrations included bonfires and singing. Both celebrations were notoriously rockous and may be the origin of the phrase "BYOM" (Bring Your Own Mead).

- The maypole is possibly a phallic symbol originally associated with the worship of Germanic figures such a Freyr. However, a more likely association is with the Yggdrasil or "World Tree" linking various realms in Norse Mythology. To be sure, Germanic peoples had an affinity for giant trees such as Thor's Oak and massive carving decorations. As Gorgok the Pig-Enthusiast used to say, "Sometimes a pole is just a pole."

- In Sweden, the maypole is called "Midsommarstång," and usually appears as a cross with two rings hanging from the cross-beams. The pole is considered male, and the rings female. No symbolism to see here (wink), please move on.

- Common maypole-dancing is ancient and dates to the early pagan festivals. However, the ribbon dancing most associated with it today originated in the 18th century, deriving from French and Italian art dances which spread to England.

- May Day is half a year from November 1st, which is associated with the pagan festival of Samhain. This is just a little random info for the loin-cloth-frolicker in you.

- As Europe transitioned into the Christian era (or the "Great-Last-Call," as the Pagans say), the traditions of May Day became increasingly secularized. The Puritans in England, of course, outlawed Maypole dancing, but as soon as Cromwell was out Maypoles sprung up across London like a giant Chia Pet.

- The May 1st "Roodmas" took place in England at midnight every year. A Christian mass, it's likely origin was to counter the pagan traditions still ingrained in the population. The legend spread that witches and warlocks gathered on May 1st to honor the devil and diminish Christian sacraments. But then, up in the sky, along came....Roodmas!

- The May Queen, or the Goddess of Spring, is a symbol of the power of nature (Led Zeppelin unavailable for comment). It is unknown how long celebrations have been crowning a May Queen, but the tradition continues to this day in many parades and festivities. Depending on the city, the May Queen may or may not be female.

- The tradition of washing ones face in the morning dew possibly goes back to Beltane, and is said to restore beauty and revive freshness. As Mother Goose famously said: "The fair maid who, the first of May, Goes to the fields at break of day, And washes in dew from the hawthorn tree, Will ever after handsome be." Although first marketed as "Ye Olde Botoxe," the morning dew industry had to shut down from numerous lawsuits by dissatisfied Countesses.

- May Day celebrations spread to the Americas, and remained a steady part of American holiday tradition. Some parts of the United States adopted the custom of weaving baskets and placing them outside the door filled with candy. If anyone still does this, please contact me and send the candy-filled basket as proof.

- In the last century, May Day is also celebrated as "International Workers Day", associated with the Haymarket Riot of 1886 in Chicago. In 1889 the congress of the Second International in Paris called for a demonstration to commemorate the Chicago riots. Since then, May Day was been sort of a focal point for labor demonstrations as well as various worker's riots. Although there may not be a lot of prancing going on, they certainly get points for enthusiasm.

- The distress call "Mayday" comes from the french word "m'aider". It was chosen by Fred Mockford in 1923 when asked to think of a distress signal. Incidentally, it has absolutely nothing to do with May 1st (but spawned a cool nickname for Grace Jones' James Bond character).

- In Hawaii, May Day is also known as "Lei Day." In 1928 Don Blanding suggested creating a holiday for the Hawaiian custom of wearing Lei. Since then, Lei Day has been a major celebration of Hawaiian culture.

- Common May Day celebrations today include the traditional as well as the new. Parades, pageants, and public dances have translated the ancient traditions into modern terms. At the high school May Day dances, kids may not get their "groove on" in exactly the same way, but in essence they are following a tradition many hundreds of years old. This is fun information to share with students, and is sure to get an enthusiastic response of "Like, whatever."

Today May Day is a major holiday throughout the world. Although not vastly celebrated in the United States, elements such as May dances and general celebrations have manifested into our common culture. Whether you wash your face in the dew, dance around your co-workers in a loin cloth, or erect a giant pole in your front lawn, try joining the celebration this year - I promise the Puritans can no longer throw you in jail. Well...

Let the Belt-Loosening Begin: A History of Thanksgiving

2009-11-16T16:12:00.028-05:00

(Update: My article below was published in the Staunton Newsleader on...you guessed it...Thanksgiving day. Thanks guys)

We all know the drill. Just days from now, your relatives will invade like a crazed faction of clowns descending upon a pie convention. Yes, Uncle Buford WILL talk about his colonoscopy at the dinner table, Aunt Bertha WILL re-arrange your potpourri bowls, and the Staler twins WILL ruin your new carpet through a series of carefully planned chex-mix attacks...and you will love every minute of it. After all, this isn't your typical, run-of-the-mill holiday - this is THANKSGIVING folks, and all bets are off. That diet you started after recovering from your Halloween sugar coma? Gone. Your jeans from two years ago you swore you would fit into again by Christmas? Ain't gonna happen. Might as well sit back, relax, and let the mouth-stuffing begin in all it's American apple-pie-with-three-scoops-of-vanilla-and-chocolate-syrup glory.

But where does it come from? Oh sure, we all know that there was something about a group of people with weird hats and another group who didn't really invite them over, yet at some point decided to throw a giant cooked bird and some yams their way....but where does it come from really? Who authorized this thing? And what are the bets that cousin Bart will eat all the rhubarb pie in one sitting? Well, pull up that recliner lever and grab the yams - here are some facts to get you up to speed.

- The "first" Thanksgiving, as you probably guessed, is a point of contention. Spanish settlers under Pedro Menéndez de Avilés held a thanksgiving mass and feast on September 8, 1565 after landing in St. Augustine, Florida. Technically, this was the first recorded "Thanksgiving" on what is now American soil, but ask any mom who watched her kid rehearse for two weeks in a giant, somewhat frightening turkey outfit, and you're likely to receive skepticism. You can decide for yourself.

- The Thanksgiving at Jamestown is another contender. You see folks, a long time ago, in a land, well...not so far away, a group of settlers showed up at "Berkeley Hundred" (December 4, 1619) - a site about 20 minutes upstream from Jamestown. It was declared (possibly with a drumroll) that every year the date of arrival would be a day of "Thanksgiving" to God. Now, were there groups of passed out men on couches with gravy drool running down their faces? Again, you can decide.

- The Plymouth Thanksgiving, or as the Pilgrim marketing people used to say "The Big Gut Buster" (tm), is seen by some as the more direct ancestor of our modern holiday. Here's what we know: The Pilgrims had a successful harvest in 1621 (sound of Pilgrims whooping and high-fiving). There was a Native American named Squanto who taught the Pilgrims how to grow corn and catch eels ("go Squaaanto, go Squaaanto, you're a rooock star!"). The Pilgrims had themselves a big old feast, with plenty of fowl and deer - and there WERE Native Americans present, including King Massasoit, who according to English sources helped save the Plymouth colony from starvation (Massasoit stands on a cliff with a full chorus singing). So yes, there is SOME truth to the classroom plays for the last 50 years. All that paper mache and vicious fighting for the leading Pilgrim role was worth it.

- Thanksgiving began to catch on. The party-crazed Puritans over at the Massachusetts Bay Colony began a Thanksgiving day in 1630, and the good folks at Charleston, Massachusetts "cranked it up" (said with English accent) in 1671. Did they dance the Macarena while doing jello shots? Well, no - it was a day of spiritual observation - but Thanksgiving was here, and like the 2 tons of turkey leftovers in your freezer - it was here to stay.

- So when did it become official? Well, during the Revolutionary War (or the war of Harry Potter-Sounding-Scone-Eating-Aggression) the Continental Congress declared a day of Thanksgiving in 1777. In 1789 ol' George Washington proclaimed a Thanksgiving (the first one by the National Government) for the 26th Day of November. But it wasn't until Abraham "I Wish Big and Tall Stores Had Been Invented" Lincoln that things began to solidify. In 1863 He declared it should be observed the "last Thursday in November. This went on for about 8 decades, until Franklin Roosevelt signed a bill officially making Thanksgiving the fourth Thursday in November.

- Canadian Thanksgiving Day? What? Yes, Canada has it's very own Thanksgiving Day the second Monday of October. I mean, isn't that CUTE? (sudden hate mail from geese) Here is the two cent history (in Canadian money): Martin Frobisher was trying to find a northern passage. Fails. Starts settlement around Newfoundland. 1578 has ceremony to give thanks. Boom - Canadian Thanksgiving. Don't try stuffing the moose.

- Whats with the Turkey and Sweet Potatoes? Well, take a look at the traditional Thanksgiving meal and something interesting pops out - most of the food, cranberries, corn, sweet potatoes, etc, are either native to the Americas or brought here by the early settlers. That's right, we may be passed out afterward, but we are passed out AMERICAN style.

- What about that Parade thing? The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Started in 1924 by workers of the company. In 1927 Goodyear threw in Felix the Cat as a giant balloon, and the rest is Helium history. Over the years we've seen Kermit, Bugs, Mickey, Garfield, and even Willard Scott...although he wasn't tethered.

- Black Friday, or as some like to call it "Give-Me-That-New-Toy-Model-Or-Die" Day, is supposed to be the official start of the Christmas season. For those that have been subjected to looped elevator Christmas music at Lowes since August, this is of course ridiculous a joke, but tell that to a 10-foot inflatable Rudolph. The term "Black Friday" was given by the Philadelphia police in the 1960s in reference to the traffic jams and mob-like crowds. Why is it so busy? Well, most of us have off work, AND we have enough carbs in us to kill a small horse - makes sense, really.

So there you have it. Thanksgiving is indeed as American as, well, five or six helpings of apple pie. So, don't worry about the commercialism, the hectic pace, or the in-law arguments. In the end, we are all in this together, and if we truly give thanks for what really matters, we may just earn our seat at the adult table...and possibly an extra helping of gravy.

The Great Halloween Post of 2009

2009-10-07T09:23:00.002-05:00

(Update: My Article below was published in the Staunton Newsleader in their "Go" section. Thanks guys!)

Oh yes....it is here. The Great Pumpkin is getting fatter as we speak, the owls are practicing their best sinister looks (over the shoulder is in this year), and the store-owners are cackling and wringing their knotted hands as we buy the latest in hip plastic-tombstones. Yes! We are stocking up on mountains of sugar-rush, pre-packaged joy to unload in mass to the glucose-charged, screaming hoards of pudgy ninjas and historically inaccurate pirates....even the fruit supplies are running low from the old couples who always give away apples, thinking they are somehow saving the children (every street has one).

Oh, we are loading up on miles and miles of colored plastic and cheap, lead-filled, Chinese-imported face paint. The kids mouths are drooling like Pavlovian dogs, their fat little bellies shaking in anticipation. The greatest holiday in the history of holidays is arriving in all its spandex glory, and America, as always, has put it's own unique, neon-green-sparkled twist on the ancient celebration. But where does Halloween come from? Did people always dress up? And what is with that figure standing behind you right now as you read this? (Whatever you do, don't turn around, seriously)

Well, it turns out a lot of the Halloween traditions are oldies, as in "what is that stuff called 'iron'?" oldies. And you thought the whole "ladies-dress-naughtily-as-a-way-to-express-that-desire-yet-not-be-condemned-by-society" was a new fad, didn't you? Nope, it goes back quite a ways (more on that later). At any rate here is a brief history of Halloween. And hey, I want credit for not using any Halloween puns, such as "a brief hisssstory of Halloween"....whoops, I just did it. I witch I hadn't done that. I mean, I wish I hadn't done bat. I mean...oh never mind.

- Where does Halloween come from? Well, the ancient Celts believed winter began November 1st (or around thereof). In modern Gaelic this day is called "Samhain" (meaning end of summer). The beginning of winter was regularly associated with death, and was also the time for slaughtering animals for the winter. For the Celts, the eve before - October 31st - was when the separation between the living and the dead became obscured. Burial mounds were opened, and the spirits could aid the druids in predicting food stores for the coming winter. The Celts would perform rituals such as lighting bonfires to keep bad spirits from crossing over. And so it began...

- All Saints Day - what is the connection? Okay, now pay attention - All Saints Day is a Christian celebration which celebrates Saints and Martyrs. In the 9th century, Pope Gregory IV placed the holiday on....you guessed it....November 1st. This meant that All Saints Day and Saimhain fell on the same day. NOW, All Saints Day is also known as "All Hallows Day", and since October 31st is the evening before, Halloween was derived from "All Hallow Even." If this isn't confusing enough for you, look up the whole Florentine Calendar thing and how they measured the day starting at sunset. Loads of fun!

- Why costumes? One version is that people dressed up as spirits so they could "blend in" with the real spirits (remember the living and dead line was obscured). In addition, "All Souls Day", which falls the day after All Saints Day (confuuuuused yet?) was celebrated with costumes and parades. The traditions of these holidays seemed to overlap with time.

- Bobbing for apples - what exactly is going ON there? When the Romans took over much of Celtic Britain, their holidays began to incorporate themselves. A Roman Holiday celebrating the Goddess Pomona fell in late October, and her symbol was....wait for it......an apple! Okay, so the connection is weak - just stick your head in the bucket and don't ask questions, I always say.

- When did it come to America? The Puritans, or "The Badly Dressed Party Poopers" as the Indians called them, banished Halloween (along with pretty much everything else). However, Americans being Americans, we slowly began to get our groove on, and the traditions popular in Europe made their way to the colonies. Early celebrations included dancing, story-telling, and of course crazed, pumpkin-wielding headless horsemen.

- Speaking of pumpkins - The tradition of carving vegetables into lanterns goes way back in Britain and Ireland. The Irish would carve turnips into faces on Halloween as a prank - it is possible they brought this tradition with them to America, finding pumpkins to be more plentiful. In addition, pumpkins happen to ripen around Halloween, much to the delight of testosterone-fueled, fire-cracker brandishing male adolescents (guilty!).

- Why "Trick or Treat"? Well, it seems on All Souls Day Christians would beg for "soul cakes" which were square pieces of bread. The beggars would then say prayers for the donor's deceased relatives. In addition, Irish in America were particularly "prank-prone" on Halloween, blaming mischief on the spirits roaming about. "Trick or Treat" seems to be an evolution of going door to door in combination with a general prank-friendly atmosphere. This is before people sued for "ghost-costume-shock-trauma", of course.

- Mischief Night? In the US, Mischief Night falls on the 30th. For those that don't know (or were never a teenager) mischief night is like distilling the pranks of Halloween into a pure, potent form the night before. Again, this is likely an evolution of various prank traditions, although the severity of it varies from region to region. A notable modern Mischief Night occurs in Detroit, where it is known as "Devil's Night".

- The whole "sexy" costume phenomenon - is it new? Halloween may be the one night a year where women can show off as much as they want at the company party and no one has a heart-attack. Interestingly, there is a long tradition of this. For example, during the Regency period women of status could put on "shows" where they dance and dress scantily - all in the name of art. Another example is benefit concerts done by woman's charity organizations, where they can wear "showgirl" costumes, show off a little leg, etc. A chance to let loose and not be tsk-tsked by old-lady Marge from the yacht club. And so the tradition continues!

- The old "razor blade in the apple" - is it true? Well, yes and no. It seems there have been cases of razor blades in apples, but they are somewhat suspect and possibly hoaxes. It is true that in 2004 James Smith in Minneapolis was charged with putting needles in children's candy. However, these instances are much rarer than popular legend has it.

- What about some other customs?

~ After bobbing for apples, if you peel the apple and throw it over your shoulder it might form your Love's initial. Particularly good if his name is in Klingon.

~ To protect your children from spirits, try sprinkling a little salt in their hair (Note: Do not do this before sending to a man-eating troll).

~ Mexico celebrates "Dia De Los Muertos" or "Day of the Dead" on November 1st and 2nd. It is an interesting mix of old and modern cultures.

~ A variation of the bobbing for apples is to hang it on a string, or use a fork in your mouth (Also great if you run out of black-eye makeup).

~ In Ireland, women would put slugs in a plate of flour. The subsequent shape in the flour from the moving slugs would supposedly make the face of your future love. This is probably more useful in divorce cases.

~ In Scotland, children "guise", or walk from house to house and perform a song, poem or other way to earn the treat. Imagine American kids having to earn anything? I can hear the lawyers shuffling their papers now.

- So Jarod, what are you wearing this year? I'm not telling! But it may involve some sort of...(message cut off)

Well folks, that is all for now. There is so much more, and I encourage you all to do some research into Halloween's history. In the meantime, close your windows, light your candles, and please......don't give away fruit.

Transylvanian Archaeological Dig

2009-07-31T15:35:00.018-05:00

Ok folks, I just did a dig in Transylvania. Our accommodations were tents, we were digging in a Dacian fort, there were Gypsies (who stole the camp's beer one day), roving sheep, bears, caves, suspicious villagers, and ancient ruins. Suffice to say I loved it. I am not paler, but I do have a craving for meat. At any rate, the awesomenessism of the place is best relayed through the wonders of photography:

(Above) Our campsite and digging in a bronze-age trench

The local village of Racos, omplete with haywagons!

Bran Castle!

Of course I went fishing!

Fun Things to do If Caught in a Time Matrix

2009-06-17T13:43:00.000-05:00

So...you are walking down the street, minding your own business, when suddenly you are caught in a time matrix and thrust back into 10th century England. That's right, you should be prepared for this sort of thing - you never know when that old time matrix will come a knockin'. Well, what do you do? Do you despair, cowering in some corner, lamenting your wretched circumstances? Do you curse the day you picked up a history text, knowing full well the karma of your constant academic study has created this vortex? NO, I say! I say it's time to take over England with a little thing called GUNPOWDER. This is, of course, assuming you somehow learn old English, avoid being killed, and get over being sick from the food. Oh , and you also manage to make connections with some military faction or man of high position which enables it's manufacture. But that aside, here's what you can do:

15 parts Saltpeter, 3 parts Sulfur, and 2 parts Charcoal in a mixture. Combine slowly and in small quantities. As everyone knows, there will inevitably be a hunchback assistance who peers too close with a candle. Simply move his hand away, shaking your head slowly. Try grimacing for maximum effect.

First, of course, you must find or make the ingredients:

- Charcoal. Just get some wood, set it on fire, and cover it with dirt. Let smolder. Incidentally this will also impress the in-laws at next year's barbecue.

- Sulfur. This was rare, but was around. Typically you could find it at hot springs, so maybe take a trip to Bath, England. Alchemists would often have it. You might try asking for "brimstone" - (I know, I know - find out the 10th century vernacular). The good thing is you will know it when you smell it!

- Saltpeter. Saltpeter is that crusty white material found on top of manure-soil or in caves. Sometimes you can find it in tombs and such. On a recent trip to Rome, I saw it all over the catacombs. Heck, the early Christians could have destroyed Rome if they knew what it could do (the iconoclasts would have loved it!). If you want, you can mix a bunch of hay with manure and wood ash, cover, urinate on it occasionally (yep) and let sit for a year. Then strain it with water and crystallize.

Now that you have the gunpowder, the ladies will flock, the hats will be tipped, mutton will fly, and....oh wait, you don't know how to make a gun. Well, get yourself a nice round jig, and start forging the iron around...oh never mind - at least you can tell yourself you accomplished something as the crazed mob chases your tall, well-groomed, non-flea ridden butt out of town.

May Day

2009-05-01T08:34:00.004-05:00

Leprechans With Botox: The History Of Saint Patrick's Day In America

2009-03-16T16:08:00.002-05:00

(Thanks to the Charlottesville Daily Progress for publishing my article)

It wasn't your fault. You had no idea traditional Irish music consisted of synth-guitars and double-bass drum kits until you went to the local "pub" and found out through a series of electrified power rifts. "The Verdant Braes Of Skreen," apparently, is traditionally screamed into the microphone while wearing a pair of leather chaps - dyed green of course. You also didn't know that the best way to honor America's legacy of Irish ancestry was to drink as much green beer as possible while howling incoherent phrases with a bunch of fat guys. Arm in arm, frothing, stumbling - it all starts to make sense. Eventually, it seems reasonable that not only did leprechauns exist, but they did indeed have PR agents. Yes, "Shamrock Shakes" are deeply historical, and yes, Saint Patrick would have wanted it that way...if you could remember who he was.

'Wait a minute,' you think to yourself after Jean-Pierre from accounting shows up in a green beret, 'what is this St. Patrick's Day thing anyway, and why do we celebrate it?' Well, here are a few highlights to win that next 3:00 am bar-bet:

- Saint Patrick was born Maewyn Succat in Britain in 389 A.D. His father Calpornius was a deacon and his grandfather Potitus was a priest (note: do not mention British ancestry in actual Irish pub)

- At the age of 16, Patrick was captured by pirates and sold into slavery for six years. Being sold into slavery was generally considered "a real bummer", but luckily Patrick had the gift of vision. He "saw" the ship that directed him to his escape, leading him to France where he became a priest (for God's Sake, do not mention the "French thing")

- Much later in life, Patrick returned to Ireland as a missionary with the vision to convert the Irish to Christianity. This may be seen as the "ultimate mid-life crisis," although it should be noted that red sports-carriages weren't involved. Through preaching, working with royal families, and setting up monasteries, Patrick was extremely successful in his mission.

- Patrick's missionary work upset many Celtic Druids, and he was arrested several times during his tenure. To make matters worse, he was constantly sued by animal-rights groups for his "anti-snake" theories.

- Patrick died on March 17, 461. Upon learning this, many Americans are amazed at the coincidence that he "actually died on ST. Patrick's Day". By the seventh century Patrick had become the patron saint of Ireland and recognized as the founder of Irish Christianity. The Druids, of course, referred to him as "Mr. Big-Party-Pooper".

- The Irish celebrated St. Patrick's Day as a religious holiday, although it became increasingly secular and proclaimed an Irish public holiday by the Bank Holiday Act in 1903. In many parts of Ireland, it is still considered largely a religious holiday.

- Irish Immigrants brought the traditions of St. Patrick's day to the 13 colonies as early as the 18th century. The first public celebration took place in Boston in 1737, with the tradition spreading to New York by 1756. These early celebrations were mostly upper-class, although belching loudly and rude scratching were still encouraged.

- The first New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade took place in 1762 by Irish troops in the British Army.

- In 1780, George Washington allowed his troops of Irish descent to take holiday on March 17, becoming known as the "St. Patrick Day Encampment." Some say the "British-fop-joke" record set that night is unbeaten to this day.

- In 1827 restrictions on Irish emigration were lifted by the British government - by 1835 over 30,000 Irish had come to the United States. Politicians across the country held hands and formed an actual shark-circle as they swarmed in on the new voting block. St. Patrick's Day become a mandatory endorsement for any politician hoping to win office.

- With the large number of uneducated and impoverished immigrants, "Irish Aid Societies" formed in major cities, each one holding their own celebration with music, dancing, or parades. Eventually, many of these societies merged their festivities, giving root to the larger celebrations seen today.

- During the 20th century, St. Patrick's Day took on an increasingly commercialized tone in the US. As celebrations spread, various industries seized upon the incredible marketing potential, altering their goods to reflect support of the unofficial holiday. Green Beer, Shamrock Shacks, Leprechaun Toilet-Paper - everything became fair game. Eventually, St. Patrick's Day came to be celebrated by everyone, regardless of nationality. This is generally considered a good thing, giving people an excuse to kiss multiple co-workers.

- In the 1970's St. Patrick's Day took on an activist tone, with various charity fund-raising and attention to the troubles in Ireland. In the 1980's gay-rights organizations protested the parade in New York, run by the "Ancient order of Hibernians." The Hibernians refused to let them march, giving a hand-circle with two snaps to the right.

- In 1998 Bill Clinton invited political parties of the Irish conflict to Washington for a peace initiative, resulting in the Good Friday Accord which called for sharing political power in Northern Ireland. Clinton gave FOUR snaps to the right followed by a full-on head-bob.

Today, America's St. Patrick's Day celebration is one of the largest celebrations in the world. With Irish and non-Irish alike united in the common cause of drinking cheap beer and thinking of excuses to miss work the next day, St. Patrick's Day has taken on a uniquely American meaning. For better or worse, we have taken it, loaded it into Bubba's shotgun, and blown it far across our amber waves of grain. And that is what we do. Were else can you eat green tofu and not throw up half an hour later?

In the end, despite it's shameless commercialism and 20-foot styrofoam clovers, St. Patrick's Day has somehow managed to unite us. Go to the bar on the 17th, take a look around. We are all there, all Americans, laughing together, telling stories, getting along for at least one brief moment.

Yes, St. Patrick may be turning over in his grave, but I like to think that he's doing so with just a hint of a smile.

Romance in a Mass-Produced Envelope: The History of Valentine's Day

2009-02-10T09:59:00.004-05:00

It could be the most important decision of your life. You stand there, pale and sweating, your eyes besieged by the endless aisles of red-satin boxes and cheaply-made plastic flower bouquets. Should you go with chocolate, or is that "so 2008"? Should there be roses, tulips, or carnations....hmmmm, which one of those is for funerals? And didn't a commercial just inform you that you are completely worthless unless you buy some sort of chain with a series of pretty rocks attached? My GOD, What do you do?

You begin to convince yourself that a nice set of fishing lures will last longer, AND have the added benefit of creating quality time for the two of you. Yeah, that's right - fishing lures! But wait, something is telling you..yes, there is definitely a distinct part of your primitive brain that is actually resisting this new theory. Your face flushes, your hands twitch, your feet begin sweating with frustrated vigor.

"Wait a minute!" you exclaim, "What has led me to this loathsome circumstance? What monstrous alchemy of human mechanism evolved itself into these wretched circumstances? Whose idea WAS this, Anyway!!'

Well, noble explorer of bath-stores and cheap seasonal holiday carts, here are some highlights from the bounteous and scented history of Valentine's Day:

- The ancient world often associated mid-February with fertility. The Roman holiday of Lupercalia was held on February 15 to purify new life and increase fertility. The Greek Month of Gamelion was dedicated to the blessed marriage of Zeus and Hera (without swan references, of course).

- 23,019 BC Gogak the Hog-Killer was the first to romance his potential mate by picking flowers. Although poisonous and resulting in an embarrassing rash, the flowers were appreciated and spun the phrase "It's the almost-thought that kind-of counts"

- 100 AD Valentinius of Alexandria was born. An early Bishop of Rome, Valentinius believed that the marriage chamber was actually important, causing numerous huffs and puffs and an occasional fainting.

- 496 Pope Gelasius I declared the "Feast of St. Valentine", referring to an earlier martyred saint (different than Valentinius) whose birth and death are not confirmed. Little is known about this early saint, although it may be a priest who was executed in the 3rd century by Cladius II. Incidentally, no cards were sent.

- 1382 Chaucer writes the first recorded correlation of Valentine's day with romantic love in his "Parlement of Foules". It is possible that the traditions of modern Valentines Day did not exist before Chaucer's writing, but rather started to come into their own around this time.

- Earliest surviving Valentine was a poem written by Charles the Duke of Orleans to his wife in 1415. Of course, being imprisoned in the Tower of London tends to bring out the romantic in you.

- English settlers bring the concept of Valentines day to North America in the 19th century. Hundreds of chocolate executives gathered in a dark room to laugh maniacally and rub their hands together (with actual organ music playing in the background).

- The first mass-production of Valentine cards began after 1847 by Esther Howland of Worchester, Massachusetts, whose father owned a stationary store.

- 1891 first case of "Valentine Insomnia", as New Jersey third-grader Herbert Bard debated whether Susy from school loved him based on the size of a mandatory Valentine card. Also first recorded case of broken heart by "cooties".

- 1929 In a sweeping gesture of romance, ol' softy Al Capone guns down seven members of a rival gang, forever known as the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

- As television and mass production sink deeply into the American psyche during the 20th century, Valentine's Day becomes increasingly associated with gifts and the gift-card industry. Some husbands claim this is good, as they can sum up all their love in one convenient, logical gesture. Other's claim this is bad because now they have to remember their anniversary AND Valentine's day. Two whole days? "What is this," they claim, "some kind of cruel joke?"

- 1980's The Diamond Industry begins actively courting the American public to associate Valentine's Day with their product. Although they aren't edible, diamonds are generally considered "interesting to look at", so the plan, of course, works.

- 2007 Valentine's Day is a worldwide phenomenon. For many, it is a day of love, generosity, and appreciation. Sappy? Yes, but heartfelt....and in the end that is all that matters.

- 2008 Sushi executives gather in secret chamber to plot their new wave of association advertisements. Coming soon: "Sushi: Because Romance is in the Guts"

Well, there you have it. Now remember, if you can't decide on a gift, try a nice set of Klingon bat'leths - both functional and practical!

Why Does That Ball Drop Anyway?

2008-12-31T10:37:00.003-05:00

That's right kids - the Times Square Ball is about to drop, and fun will be released like a piano launched from a clown convention. It is useless to resist - you will watch it, you will smile and you WILL have hope for humanity. I don't care how many times KISS reunites for that god-awful New Years reunion concert, grudgingly putting on the makeup and rehashing their greatest hits like jaded telemarketers...the site of the giant glowing crystal cuts through the commercialism like a senile driver, leaving you flush and happy, your cheeks glowing with the spirit of New Years (or "spirits", to be more accurate). It is also the only time expensive crystal can fall to the ground and people actually cheer it on. At any rate, here's WHY this happens:

1904 - The owner of the New York Times, Alfred Ochs, throws a huge party in the recently renamed Times Square to celebrate the headquarters opening. Overnight, Times Square becomes New York's New Years Destination. It's the Bee's Knees, Sugar-Daddy!

1907 - The party-animals at city hall ban the fireworks display, so Alfred decides to lower a 700-pound illuminated ball from his building's flagpole instead. Viola! The tradition begins! This was actually a derision of an early practice of lowering time balls for visual synchronization of navigation chronometers, but tell that to a drunken flapper and you are sure to lose the next dance.

1942-43 - Ball is not dropped due to war-time "dimout".

1972 - Dick Clark starts his "New Years Rockin' Eve" to the delight of Millions. To the confusion of millions, Dick Clark refuses to age.

2008 - Billions world wide watch the ball drop thanks to Satellite communication. Father Time uses cellphone to announce Baby New Year

So there you have it. Have fun on New Years, bang pots, be safe and blow Alfred Ochs a big ol' kiss!

October: Let The Leaf-Diving Begin

2008-10-09T14:56:00.002-05:00

For someone who still can't believe it's the 21st century (I refuse), you should have seen my surprise - my shock - when I realized it was October. Wait a minute, I can't write that in the past tense, I just NOW realized it's October. What? It's October? You're kidding! Okay. Now the past tense makes sense, provided you just read the previous sentence. If not, then pretend like you did, and let's move one.

October is my favorite month. If you have to ask why, you obviously aren't a Libra, or maybe you are one of those weirdos who are into September. I mean, September is so last month - you have to move ON, people.

So what exactly is the story of October? Well, you guessed it (or is it "guess it," if you are in fact guessing in the present?), I'm about to give you some quick facts about the greatest month in the history of months. And I don't want to hear any whining from the goofball, turkey-dressing Novemberists.

- Why the name? It was the eighth month of the Roman Calendar. Eight - Octo - etc.

- What is your sign, October baby? Begins with Libra (Sep 23-Oct 22), ends with Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 22). They also make a great name for a tag team wrestling duo (trademarked).

- Birthstone? Opal or tourmaline. Tourmaline is okay, but let's face it, it has been outshone by it's big brother Opal for years. There will no doubt be an embarrassing outburst at some family reunion.

- What is "Red October?" - Red October refers to the Russian October Revolution in 1917. Basically, on October 24th the Bolsheviks started taking over government buildings - you know, breaking glass, lots of shouting - I won't go into it. Incidentally, via the Gregorian Calendar the event actually started Nov 7, but I'm not going to say that to a bunch of crazed Bolsheviks.

- What are some Holidays? Well, you got your Columbus Day or "Great-Hero-Until-The-PC-Movement-Of-The-90's-Then-Became-Imperialist-Bully-Then-PC-Calms-Down-Now-Kind-Of-Hero-Again" Day. Next you Have Eid ul-Fitr which is the Muslim Holiday marking the end of Ramadan. This year Eid ul-Fitr is on the 13th. Then there is the ever popular National Boss Day on the 16th - so far, no giant parades or drunken feasting, but keep a look out just in case. You also have United Nations Day on the 24th, which is basically the anniversary of the United Nations Charter. You must wear a blue peace-keeping helmet for proper celebration, of course. And finally, there is Halloween. But that is for another post, young grasshoppers.

- Canadian Thanksgiving Day? What? Yes, Canada has it's very own Thanksgiving Day the second Monday of October. I mean, isn't that CUTE? (sudden hate mail from geese) Here is the two cent history (in Canadian money): Martin Frobisher was trying to find a northern passage. Fails. Starts settlement around Newfoundland. 1578 has ceremony to give thanks. Boom - Canadian Thanksgiving. Don't try stuffing the moose.

- Oktoberfest? When and Where? Oktoberfest is a two week celebration that takes place in Munich, Germany. Traditionally, it takes place for 16 days to the first Sunday of October. Oktoberfest started October 12, 1810 to celebrate the marriage of Prince Ludwig to Princess Therese - now THAT'S a wedding party!

- Welllll, what about some historical events? As you may have guessed, October has had it's share of important events (important, I tell you). Here are but a few - a "tapas" of events if you will:
~ Oct 2nd: Ford introduces the Model T, 1908.
~ Oct 3rd: First Woman Senator, Rebecca Felton, appointed to US Senate in 1922. She actually only served for 24 hours, filling in for the the death of Thomas Watson. But the point was made, and the door was opened.
~ Oct 5th: The greatest day in the history of mankind.
~ Oct 12th: Columbus lands in the Bahamas, 1492. 400 years later Paris Hilton's garbage sells on Ebay for $900.
~ Oct 16th: Marie Antoinette was beheaded, 1793. Worst hair-day on record.
~ Oct 17th: General Cornwallis surrenders at Yorktown, 1781. 200 years later, American school children ask, "What is a Yorktown?"
~ Oct 20th: US Senate ratifies the Louisiana Purchase, adding "mullets" as an official US haircut.
~ Oct 22nd: The Soviet Union explodes it's first nuclear bomb.
~ Oct 24th: First Transcontinental Telegraph line completed, 1861. First message: "don't forget to buy some eggs"
~ Oct 26th: Erie Canal opens.
~ Oct 29th: Sir Walter Raleigh executed, 1618. King James heard to say, "I never liked NC State anyway."
~ Oct 31st. First "too old to be trick or treating" kid wears embarrassing cardboard and duct tape costume, 1983.

Well, that's all for now, folks. Enjoy October - feel the air, sip plenty of cider....all that stuff. And no matter where you are or what you are doing - the first pile of leaves you see? Swan-dive.

Thoughts for Today

2008-09-09T14:48:00.004-05:00

- I find it interesting how disgruntled people in line will try to find "allies". For example, if a checkout clerk is particularly slow, you will often hear the person next to you huff, or whisper "come onnnn". They will then give you a brief eye glance to see if you agree. If you smile or roll your eyes in agreement, the alliance has been formed! It's you guys against the enemy clerk, and he better scan the yogurt properly.

- What if we went back in time and found out the T-Rex roar sounded exactly like a dolphin twitter? Would you be as disappointed as I?

- Sure we have I-pods, lap-tops, and cellphones - but were are the hovercars? I think we are owed an explanation here.

- Theoretically, Magneto would be useless against a Pinocchio attack.

~

Nerdfest 2008: Back From Dragoncon

2008-09-02T09:45:00.022-05:00

That's right, folks - we went to Dragoncon - again! Was it awesome? Yes. Where there three huge hotels packed with comics, fantasy, and nerds? Yes. Plenty of incredible costumes, art, writers, etc. There were also celebrities, and we attended the Battlestar panel, went to the walk of fame, etc. I got to meet James Edwards Olmos, James Hong, and others. There was also come amazing artists, and a fantastic art show. But enough of the description - bring on the pictures!

Sean Astin (Sam from Lord of The Rings) and Beau Bridges.

Kevin Sorbo (Hercules) and the Grant Wilson (Ghost Hunters)

Adam West (Batman) and George Takei (Sulu)

The Panel from Battlestar Galactica. If you look closely you can see Edward James Olmos (Adama), James Callis (Dr. Baltar), Micheal Hogan (Tigh), and Aaron Douglas (Tyrol)

Some Ghostbuster nerds and some Star Wars guys

The Matrix (check out Trinity) and and an incredible Iron Man costume

Batman (posing somewhat dramatically) and Emma Frost

Some "300" costumes and Mad Max

And, of course, Vader!

Well, That's all for now. May the nerd be with you!

Jarod's Version of Movie Scenes

2008-08-22T15:42:00.006-05:00

How often do you watch a movie scene and after it's over think - "Yeah, right"? Quite often, I would guess! Sure they're only movies, and that's part of the fun, but why not imagine your own scene outcomes? I'm going to pick some movie scenes, and then give my version of the outcome versus what Hollywood produced. I'd like to hear some of yours.

- The scene: "Timeline" where a group of modern day people are standing in front of English lord Oliver De Vannes after being transported into medieval Europe.
- Movie Outcome: After some discussion, one is beheaded and the rest are imprisoned
- My Outcome: They have trouble understanding what the English lord is saying, since he should be speaking middle English. De Vannes does not understand their modern dialect. They are imprisoned, and eventually get sick from drinking the water. They are believed to have brought disease and are killed. Credits roll.

- The Scene: "You had me at Hello"
- The Outcome: Jerry Maguire and Dorothy (Renee Zellweger) get together and things are great!
- My Outcome: There is a blackout, then the words "Ten Years Later" pop up. They are both a little fat, and the kid is still living at home. Jerry has become a drunk, because although he was caught up in the moment, he never really truly loved her. Dorothy is a pill popper, and miserable. Jerry is watching the football game while Dorothy looks longingly out the window, and the credits roll.

- The Scene: "Pirates of the Caribbean" where Kiera Knightly asks for Parley
- Movie Outcome: She gets it.
- My outcome: She is immediately attacked and killed.

- The Scene: (Spoiler Alert) End of The Usual Suspects, where Kevin Spacey is revealed to be Keyser Soze.
- Movie Outcome: He gets in a car and drives off, presumably to resume his criminal activities
- My Outcome: Upon reflection, he is impressed with his own acting talents. He joins a local theater, lightens up a little, takes up painting. Credits roll.

5k!

2008-08-16T08:38:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I just finished running a 5k in Charlottesville. This may be my first official 5k, and it was quite an event. Lots of people, an actual timer thingy (is thingy an accepted word?), and plenty of water bottles. It was for organ donation, which is extra cool. I didn't come in first, but hey....I didn't come in last. I actually did better than I thought!
"Yeah right, Jarod" you are thinking - "you just sat on the couch". Well Mr. Smarty Pants, here is a picture of my packet for proof! Next to Mr. Cat, who apparently had better things to do.

Today's T-shirts

2008-08-11T14:46:00.003-05:00

Today's random t-shirt ideas:

- "There's a Strong Chance I Was Wearing This Yesterday"

- "I'm Tired Of Bracing For the 'Ride of My Life'"

- "If You Could See The Real Me....You Would Still Be Unimpressed"

- "I Wish Spiderman Would Stop Crying"

- "Don't Count Me Out, This is a $5,000 T-Shirt"

- "We're Only Replicants"

- "Warning: You Will Be Subject To A Plastic, Superficial Version Of My Personality"

- "Lawyer on Speed-dial"

- "Let's Face It: If I Were Better Looking I Wouldn't Need A T-Shirt To Get Attention"

~

What's The Difference Between a Catapult and a Trebuchet?

2008-08-04T09:54:00.002-05:00

Don't deny it. You've been sitting there for hours, possibly days, wondering what the difference is between a catapult and a trebuchet. It has consumed you, turning you into a hermit, and your friends and family are concerned. Well load the stones and grease the gears, and I'm here to help! Here is the difference, basically:

- Catapults are any device that throws an object, although it commonly refers to the medieval siege weapon.

- Trebuchets are a TYPE of catapult, using gravity (with a counterweight) or traction (men pulling down), to propel the arm and often employing a sling at the end of the arm for greater distance. This is different from other catapults in that it doesn't use built up tension for it's throwing force.

I know, I know, there's more to it, Mr. Fancy Pants. This is a just quick fix - I'm trying to save you from a life of hermitry.

Here is a cool animation of a trebuchet - http://www.redstoneprojects.com/trebuchetstore/treb_animated.html

If you want to see different types in recent films, watch the Return of the King - during the siege of Minas Tirith the Orcs use tension catapults (mangonels for the nerds) and the men use trebuchets. Also, in "King Arthur", the woads use traction trebuchets (men pulling down) - plus Keira Knightley is in a leather strap outfit (who needs historical accuracy?).

So now you know. Try not to launch pianos into your neighbor's lawn.

Stories in Two Sentences

2008-06-30T15:18:00.014-05:00

Just for fun, why not write a story in two sentences? Here is my attempt:

- As Bert sailed over the Hudson river at 140 miles per hour, he folded his arms indignantly. 'You'd think they'd put safeguards on a 70-foot wooden catapult, he thought with a scowl.

- She looked at her chain-smoking husband, sitting on the couch with his 50 pounds of gained weight while clutching the remote and picking his nose. "Well," she sighed, "I was dumb enough to have kids with him, so looks like my life is pretty much laid out."

- 'Surely this is a dream' thought Marty "Stonewall" Hackenburg as the 25-foot Burmese Python tightened it's coils around his fat, middle-aged body and began sliding it's massive jaws over his head.
His cellphone began to ring a delightful little Joan Baez compilation he had picked out himself, and Marty - unable to move his hands - rolled his eyes at this new inconvenience.

- "Superman must be bored again" thought Mrs. Berklstan as she looked up at the moon, revealing a perfectly shaped, 10,000-mile engraving of Superman bent over and exposing his buttocks to the earth. "Well, he did a nice job with the cape this time."

- "Hey, what is this button?", Stan asked. Ten seconds later, the earth was covered in a mile thick layer of bean-dip.

'

What Exactly IS Parchment, Anyway?

2008-06-24T10:09:00.003-05:00

I can see how it happened. You got tired of sending the constant text-messages, the endless emails - your fingers were raw, worked and aching like grouchy little piglets. You wanted something different, a new way of communicating. Then it came to you - "Hey!" you exclaimed, jumping up from the cubicle farm, startling Bertha in accounting and knocking over her triple latte, "It's so simple!" You stood on your chair, put your left hand on your hip and raised your right in a grandiose, Ceasaresque gesture "My fellow co-workers" You exclaimed, chin high and set with determination, "From this day forth, I shall send all my messages by....(wait for it).....PARCHMENT!"

You stood like a proud statue, but the room remained silent except for Ned from sales who gave an enthusiast clap followed by a Vulcan hand gesture. You sat back down, energized from your new undertaking. However, you suddenly realized that you had no idea what parchment is, or how it is made. A small matter, you thought, as you went to your computer to type away the answer. Well, here it is, brave crusader!:

- Parchment is calf-skin, sheep skin, or goat skin scraped thin, stretched and dried creating a material ideal for manuscripts.

- Parchment began replacing papyrus as the popular material for manuscripts around the 4th century AD, although it was used earlier by the Assyrians, Babylonians, and various other cultures. Some say this was because parchment had a "hip look", and those using it were sure to land thousand-goat book-deals. (Others say the papyrus reeds were over-harvested and parchment was used to adapt, but like the theory of evolution, you can ignore that)

- Vellum is parchment made exclusively from calf-skin. Be sure to use this knowledge to impress your next date.

- Parchment was expensive, and generally only available to the wealthy. Some monasteries such as the Benedictines had their own livestock and butchers, enabling their output of fine documents. Of course, Org the Muck-Enthusiast couldn't read anyway, but at least the books were nice and shiny!

- Parchment was made by soaking skins in lime to remove the hair, then stretched and dried over a frame. It was then scraped thin and cut for use. If you want to try this at home, do it in your living room to really impress the mother-in-law. For a great conversation piece, try leaving out the lime-hair bucket.

So, young master, now that you know what parchment is, go forth unto the world and write! Break out the quill pen, boil the walnut ink, and find yourself a nice herd of calves. No more microscopic message keys! No more cramped little screens and twitching eye-muscles! Spread your parchment wide and scribe, sir, scribe!

Today's T-Shirts

2008-06-16T09:58:00.005-05:00

- "I May or May Not Be Indecisive"

- "I Recently Won The Lottery, Single, and Likely to Buy You A Car"

- "Willing Alien Servant"

- "Sorry, Sky-Diving Won't Erase The Memories of Being a Geek"

- "LOOK, LOOK! PLEASE NOTICE ME!"

- "Member: Emperor Trajan Fan Club"

- "Let's Face it, The Clock is Ticking And I"m Probably the Best You'll Get"

- "You Will Remember This T-Shirt"

- "If You Think Shoes Are more Important Than Manners, You Are Part Of The Problem"

- "Instead Of A Parrot On My Shoulder, I Have Nothing"

- "I (Heart) Simplified Representations of Organs"

.

My Trip to Greece: Complete with Traditional Dancing

2008-06-10T14:49:00.020-05:00

That's right folks, I went to Greece. The seminal of Democracy, the custodian of civilization - the bridge between the ancient and the modern. And of course, the place where a unified people cry out in one voice, "That's right, poo-poo Americans, we smoke in our restaurants, and there's NOTHING you can do about it!"

What an beautiful, mysterious, and amazing country. Since I was a kid I have wanted to see it, and believe me I was running amok as if I still had on my bath-towel cape, wooden sword, and tinfoil shin-guards. But what can I say that pictures can't prove? So here you go!

The Temple of Apollo at Delphi - This is were the Oracles gave their predictions (Yes, the actual place). The picture on the right is, well, if you don't know open a History book immediately.

Some elder men gathered around a gaming table in Athens. I suspect they have been doing this sort of thing there for - oh, say 2800 years.

Woman walking down a street on the island of Hydra. She said something to me and smiled, but I don't know what. Perhaps she said "Your shoelaces are undone"

The beautiful Santorini. This island is so gorgeous you instantly start painting the minute you arrive. The villages lay along the cliffs like beautiful lounge-singers draped over a Steinway (huh?). Next is the Temple of Isis on Delos. An Egyptian temple!

Some random windmills, for your artsy-photo fix. Next is me fishing. That's right, I bought a hand line and some bait so I can claim I fished in the Mediterranean. Sure, I fished for about an hour and didn't catch anything, but so what!

On the Acropolis at Rhodes. I didn't see the Colossus, but I still think he is around somewhere, waiting to be found. He's probably pretty annoyed at this point, too.

The Library and Amphitheater at the ancient city of Ephesus, Turkey. Oh, I forget to mention, I went to Turkey to0 (smiles smugly).

And back to my house! And who is that? Mr. Cat! Say he is cute. Saaay it! Saaaaaaay it!

Well, that's all. I have plenty of more pictures, and am, of course, happy to show them to you in a living room slideshow, complete with smoking jacket and long monologues on each one. Just let me know! Oh, and did I dance?

You bet I did.

My Latest Drop-Point Hunter

2008-04-25T15:43:00.004-05:00

Here is a new drop-point hunting knife I made. It was fun to do, and the Ziricote wood for the handle is really cool stuff. I saw a lot of it when I went to Belize - there were craftsmen there making all kinds of things out of it. Instead of buying their carvings, though, I bought a chunk of wood! (why not?)

Thank You To Blade Magazine

2008-04-15T16:00:00.004-05:00

It looks like I made feature article on Blade Magazine's Website (9 Museum Tips for Home Knife Care):

www.blademag.com

Thank you once again, Blade!

Latest Custom Sgian Dubh

2008-04-11T08:19:00.006-05:00

Here is a new sgian dubh I made. It is fluted ivory with a Damascus blade, jade inlay, and silver fittings. Here is my webpage for more: http://jarodkearney.com/

~

Today's Thoughts/T-Shirts

2008-04-07T09:06:00.006-05:00

- If only you can prevent forest fires, you must have a really big bucket.

- I am not an organ donor - all those pipes and keys, who has the space to own one let alone go around donating them?

- If they suddenly removed alcohol from wine, would anyone REALLY care about it's "bouquet"?

- By today's standards, Marie Antoinette would have smelled.

- If you can't make fun of yourself, you will end up being the old person that constantly complains

T-Shirts:

- Black-Belt in Nail-Clippers

- There May-or-May-Not Be Six-Pack Abs Under Here

- Force Feed Fashion Models!

- Right Now, I Am Imagining You Wearing An Fully-Powdered English Judge's Wig

My Article in Blade Magazine

2008-03-29T00:47:00.002-05:00

A special thank you to Blade Magazine for publishing my article "9 Museum Tips for Home Knife Care". Blade magazine is the "world's number one knife publication" and can be found at Borders Bookstores or Books-a-Million.

Also, I will be speaking at this year's Blade Show and International Cutlery Fair in Atlanta. If anyone is around Atlanta the weekend of May 30, pop in and say "hi"!

I'm a Lawyer this Week! Well, sort of....

2008-03-24T21:44:00.012-05:00

That's right, kids, I am acting again. This week the ShenanArts production of (insert dramatic music) "To Kill a Mockingbird" opens, and I am playing Mr. Gilmor, the prosecuting attorney.

http://www.shenanarts.org/mockingbird.htm

The cast has been great, and it has been a lot of fun so far. Things seem to be coming together - no one has injured themselves in a tragic make-up accident or had a prop-flower suddenly explode, so that is good. I am excited, and here is a picture of Phil during rehearsal playing the legendary "Boo Radley":

Here is "Mr. Ewell" threatening Atticus. And the knife? You guessed it, I made it!:

Article

2008-03-17T08:34:00.004-05:00

A special thank you to the Charlottesville Daily Progress for printing my article yesterday on the history of Saint Patrick's Day. Here is their website for you "non-Virginian-or-at-least-not-in-the-western-part-of-the state-near-Charlottesville" types:

http://www.dailyprogress.com/

Hilarious!

2008-03-12T23:24:00.005-05:00

I normally don't post news links, but this one caught my attention. Now, the reason they are doing this may be a little suspect, but a modern American city is considering building a MOAT! How awesomely hilarious is that? I hope they do it, if anything just so I can go there with my chainmail shirt on and go fishing!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080313/us_nm/usa_border_moat_dc

For the record, anyone who knows me would not be surprised if they showed up at my house and there was....well, a moat! Possibly with monster catfish in it.

Today's Bumper Stickers

2008-03-11T12:56:00.003-05:00

- Don't Bother Tailgating, I Am Blind!

- Unnecessary Bags of Lye in Trunk

- No License, Off Meds

- My House Is Also Representative of My Clout

- Sue-Happy Soccer Mom with Lawyer Friends On Board

- I DARE You to Pull Me Over, Pig!

- Looking for Mrs. Trophy

- Bumper Stickers Say, "I'm Not Upper Class"

- You're Not Fooling Anybody

- I Am Kapable

- NUKE HALLMARK

- Wine experts should be slapped.

Today's Thoughts!

2008-03-10T10:10:00.003-05:00

- If your favorite show is "Project Runway", you probably won't survive if lost in the woods.

- Lets face it: In this country, if given enough money, Tonya Harding could be President.

- If someone says in real conversation the letters "LOL" instead of actually laughing out loud, they should be slapped immediately.

- A constant throughout human history has been our need to be continuously and shamelessly pumped full of BS.

- Most animal packs instinctively know the point at which certain members become too erratic to be of any value to the pack. In our species it is when Uncle Bufurd starts talking about colon explosions at the dinner table.

- If someone suggested the concept of pet-therapy to the ancient Aztecs, they would probably have been immediately executed.

Today's Random Thoughts / T-shirts

2008-02-26T15:40:00.005-05:00

- Perhaps the true Lemming Line is accepting that Lemmings exist without ever actually have seen one.
- Don't cry over spilled milk, unless the milk is at full boil and spilled into your lap.
- Debate and talk about it all you want, but the best advice for getting a date is .... "Be good-looking"
- If your NASCAR dinner-plate collection costs more than your entire kid's wardrobe, your kids will end up in jail.

T-Shirts:

- "I Can Name All 48 States"
- "I Am Wealthy And Successful, And Wearing This T-Shirt Instead of Buying A Rolex Only Further Demonstrates My Impressive Frugality"
- "In That Brief Eye-Contact, You Were Both Judged And Catalogued"
- "Wearing This T-Shirt Has Completely Ruined My Chances With You, Hasn't It?"
- "I Am Bruce Jenner"

Romance in a Mass-Produced Envelope: The History of Valentine's Day

2008-02-11T14:29:00.000-05:00

It could be the most important decision of your life. You stand there, pale and sweating, your eyes besieged by the endless aisles of red-satin boxes and cheaply-made plastic flower bouquets. Should you go with chocolate, or is that "so 2007"? Should there be roses, tulips, or carnations....hmmmm, which one of those is for funerals? And didn't a commercial just inform you that you are completely worthless unless you buy some sort of chain with a series of pretty rocks attached? My GOD, What do you do?

You begin to convince yourself that a nice set of fishing lures will last longer, AND have the added benefit of creating quality time for the two of you. Yeah, that's right - fishing lures! But wait, something is telling you..yes, there is definitely a distinct part of your primitive brain that is actually resisting this new theory. Your face flushes, your hands twitch, your feet begin sweating with frustrated vigor.

"Wait a minute!" you exclaim, "What has led me to this loathsome circumstance? What monstrous alchemy of human mechanism evolved itself into these wretched circumstances? Whose idea WAS this, Anyway!!'

Well, noble explorer of bath-stores and cheap seasonal holiday carts, here are some highlights from the bounteous and scented history of Valentine's Day:

- The ancient world often associated mid-February with fertility. The Roman holiday of Lupercalia was held on February 15 to purify new life and increase fertility. The Greek Month of Gamelion was dedicated to the blessed marriage of Zeus and Hera (without swan references, of course).

- 23,019 BC Gogak the Hog-Killer was the first to romance his potential mate by picking flowers. Although poisonous and resulting in an embarrassing rash, the flowers were appreciated and spun the phrase "It's the almost-thought that kind-of counts"

- 100 AD Valentinius of Alexandria was born. An early Bishop of Rome, Valentinius believed that the marriage chamber was actually important, causing numerous huffs and puffs and an occasional fainting.

- 496 Pope Gelasius I declared the "Feast of St. Valentine", referring to an earlier martyred saint (different than Valentinius) whose birth and death are not confirmed. Little is known about this early saint, although it may be a priest who was executed in the 3rd century by Cladius II. Incidentally, no cards were sent.

- 1382 Chaucer writes the first recorded correlation of Valentine's day with romantic love in his "Parlement of Foules". It is possible that the traditions of modern Valentines Day did not exist before Chaucer's writing, but rather started to come into their own around this time.

- Earliest surviving Valentine was a poem written by Charles the Duke of Orleans to his wife in 1415. Of course, being imprisoned in the Tower of London tends to bring out the romantic in you.

- English settlers bring the concept of Valentines day to North America in the 19th century. Hundreds of chocolate executives gathered in a dark room to laugh maniacally and rub their hands together (with actual organ music playing in the background).

- The first mass-production of Valentine cards began after 1847 by Esther Howland of Worchester, Massachusetts, whose father owned a stationary store.

- 1891 first case of "Valentine Insomnia", as New Jersey third-grader Herbert Bard debated whether Susy from school loved him based on the size of a mandatory Valentine card. Also first recorded case of broken heart by "cooties".

- 1929 In a sweeping gesture of romance, ol' softy Al Capone guns down seven members of a rival gang, forever known as the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

- As television and mass production sink deeply into the American psyche during the 20th century, Valentine's Day becomes increasingly associated with gifts and the gift-card industry. Some husbands claim this is good, as they can sum up all their love in one convenient, logical gesture. Other's claim this is bad because now they have to remember their anniversary AND Valentine's day. Two whole days? "What is this," they claim, "some kind of cruel joke?"

- 1980's The Diamond Industry begins actively courting the American public to associate Valentine's Day with their product. Although they aren't edible, diamonds are generally considered "interesting to look at", so the plan, of course, works.

- 2007 Valentine's Day is a worldwide phenomenon. For many, it is a day of love, generosity, and appreciation. Sappy? Yes, but heartfelt....and in the end that is all that matters.

- 2008 Sushi executives gather in secret chamber to plot their new wave of association advertisements. Coming soon: "Sushi: Because Romance is in the Guts"

Well, there you have it. Now quit being a wimp and buy something. And make it nice, will ya? Ol' St. Valentine is watching!

Hiatus

2008-01-10T23:45:00.001-05:00

I am taking a little blog break. You guys have fun!

Florida Holiday

2007-12-30T12:16:00.000-05:00

I went down to Florida this last week, and it was, of course, lots of fun (seminole war chant). I went on a couple adventures, and here are some pics. Wait a minute, was that introduction to quick? I apologize to all long intro enthusiasts out there (longintroists).

This is the Dora Canal. It is so beautiful you instantly want to become a landscape painter, complete with beret. The pic on the right is a nice little gator. He was a modernist writer, as it turned out.

Here is a cottonmouth. Beautiful and poisonous, like many things in life. Look closely, it is there. Closer...closer...whoa, not that close (laughter from audience, appreciative claps)! On the right is your basic Egret. Just sitting there, hanging out. I tried to talk to him, but he was far to cool for mundane conversation.

If you don't think the root system of a Bald Cypress tree is cool, you need to be slapped immediately. I went fishing, and caught me some fish (you have to say that out loud in a redneck accent, btw). Did I wade in the water? Only the gators will tell.

Florida has some of the prettiest sunsets. I kinda like this picture.

Who is that? Is that Macy and Bailey? Is that who that is? Isabuddabudadoba? A bubbadooodabuubabuuuuba?

That's all, folks!

The Pronging of Helen Wagenstein

2007-12-19T17:46:00.001-05:00

Here is a short story I wrote. Disclaimer: This is for humor only and not to be taken seriously

It was 2:15 in the afternoon, and Barry "Balls Out" Wagenstein was frustrated.

"Where are the GODDAMN onions, Helen?!" He roared, the smoke from his Fleshmaster 3000 custom grill billowing thick and fast.

"They are right next to you, moron!" Hissed Helen, holding a tray of deviled eggs.

The guests at the Wagenstein's annual barbecue stuffed themselves with various grades of charred meat, washed down by beer and second rate soda knock-offs. The barbecue and all it's inhabitants, if airlifted and planted in any other backyard in North America, would easily be indistinguishable from most local barbecues, and any reasonable person would go for hours before realizing something was amiss. Yes, there were dogs playing, yes, there were medicated children splashing in the Sears model Atlantis above-ground pool ($1,900 after discount), and yes, there were plenty of Spiderman arm-floaters.

Barry looked down and saw the onion slices. He grabbed them and slapped them one-by-one on his "Turbo-Burgers", making sure no eye-contact was made which would have acknowledged Helen's victory.

14 meters to the northeast corner, a trio of housewives gathered, their hair and sunglasses matching their shoes perfectly. Their conversation was so mundane and recycled it is impossible to record and relate with any sort of meaning or greater subtext, and any attempt to do so would result in immediate dismissal and possible nausea.

Five feet out from the pool to the southwest, Arnold stood with his wife. They were new, and had spent the last 25 minutes talking to the Schultzes about the home-owners association. This ended, however, when Susan Schultze (A name which her parents cringed upon when hearing of the wedding 7 years ago), gave her husband "The code", meaning it was time to politely move on. Susan and her husband had the code worked out years ago, and they delighted in the "suburban hipness" having a code brought them. Years later, when Susan's husband was dying, he told her he let the code slip at work, and all that time the other couples knew exactly what Susan was doing when she did it.

"That's why I never won Best-Fruit-Salad at the company block party" she speculated as her husband's body relaxed and went limp.

Barry flipped row number two, making sure the black scrapings didn't separate from the meat. In his mind, this was the key, and he'd be DAMNED if he let the separation happen. Helen walked by, of course, at this exact moment of speculation. Unknown to her, this would turn out to be the defining moment of her life.

"Why do you do that? Everytime. Why?" Squatted Helen, folding her arms.

"Just let it go, Helen." said Barry in his best 'scary-calm' voice.

"It is so gross. I don't understand. Why do you keep those scrapings on the meat?"

Barry fidgeted with his prong poker. His face began to swell. Helen was undaunted.

"Tell me right now!" yelled Helen "You think you are some sort of Chef or something. It's ridiculous. You and that stupid grill!"

Barry wiped the sweat off his forehead.

"I'm warning you Helen, you have no idea. Don't be a fool."

Helen's face warmed as she relished in the attack. This felt so good. It was like crying at a romance movie, only more fulfilling.

"You are ruining everyones meal. They all hate it, they just don't say. I'll say it though. You....Barry Wagenstein....are a TERRIBLE GRILLER!"

At that moment Barry howled in a frenzied cry so deep and primeval the entire barbecue stood motionless. His yell was vibrant, powerful, emotional, and people couldn't help but notice a bizarre connection with it, as if some long-lost genetic code had suddenly been awakened.
Barry lunged out with his prong, poking Helen hard in the right side of her gut. In an instant, a massive swell of air bellowed out of the puncture, vibrating and farting like a giant Balloon blown up and released. Her body shriveled and collapsed, jetting upward from the force of the air and twirling higher and higher like a rogue leaf. Within moments, she disappeared into the sky, never to be seen again.

Barry looked out at the crowd, their stunned silence unable to move or grasp what had actually taken place. Someones cellphone rang, which they promptly flung into the pool.

"So," said Barry calmly "Who would like some Turbo-burgers".

A line formed by the grill, and the silent pact was made. No one would ever speak of this, and it would be completely erased from the annals of human history.

- end

Weekend Adventures

2007-12-16T23:19:00.000-05:00

That's right, I've been off exploring again. The area is beautiful, and there are all kinds of cool things hanging about. Besides the natural beauty, a striking aspect is the number of well preserved old houses - Victorian, antebellum, log cabins - you name it. Many of these homes stand guard over vast stretches of rolling pasture at the foot of the Appalachian Mountains, happily unaware of what century it is. At any rate, here are some pics from this weekend:

The Natural Chimneys, near my house. They are formed when sink holes of limestone corrode out. There are also caves at their feet, which I bought a flashlight to go exploring in.

We had an ice-storm this weekend - bad for the power company but undeniably beautiful. The first pic is going up to the top of the Appalachian ridge on a cool old dirt road. The second is at endless caverns, which was closed. Why? Ice storm.

View from the top of the Chimneys. At the second picture - if you look closely - is evidence of a new and vicious monster in town.

This kind of view is all over the place. I'm going to charge admission for my visitors!

Well, that's all for now. You fellas be good!

More Adventures

2007-12-10T04:36:00.000-05:00

Been running around the area some more to see what kind of stuff I can find, and found some pretty cool things - here are some pics. I also am putting up for the first time (drumroll) a video clip. It is of a Bluegrass festival I went to on Saturday. So without further - what's that word again?

An old Confederate fort in the mountains, and a beautiful creek.

Some guy actually created a foam replica of Stonehenge around here. Hilarious!

A Natural bridge. It is huge! And an Indian village out in the woods. So cool.

View from the Valley and Ridge mountains, and a random waterfall.

Here are Grand Caverns. About 20 minutes from my house.

This is supposed to be the oldest Arbor Vitea tree in the world. And apparently, this is what Mr. Cat thinks treadmills are for.

I am particularly proud of this picture. The mist formed a "waterfall" out of the trees.

And here is the clip of the Bluegrass festival.

Okay, there are some pics. Now all I need is a pointer.

Adventures

2007-12-05T01:15:00.000-05:00

Hi folks, (from this point on, you must read this in the voice of Marty Moose from "Vacation") just a note as I settle into my new place. So far so good. Of course, I have already started exploring around so I thought I'd share some pics. Much like those annoying in-law-sessions where you are subjected to countless photos of Aunt Marge in a tube-top at Myrtle-Beach, just sit back, relax, and nod your head politely. "Oh, that's nice. Ohhh, very cute. Wow, is that Uncle Billy in orange spandex? Nice."

Went up to PA to visit my cousin and nieces. They live near Punxsutawney, so I asked the locals where they do the Groundhog Day every year. It is kind of out of they way, but here it is, the actual showplace of Punxsutawny Phil! Bill Murray was nowhere to be seen.

Explored around the back-hills of Amish country - So beautiful. Here is a pic of a horse and buggy. They are all over the place, and I love seeing them on the road. Kind of a "take that, 21st century!" The pic on the right is my cousin's pets - can't we all just get along?

One of my bonsai trees losing it's leaves. Yep, just like regular sized trees. On the right is the Shenandoah Valley, where I now live!

Went exploring around some caverns in the area. Here is Shenandoah Caverns. The pic on the left they call "bacon" - can you see why?

A cool little pond, and a big room!

Well, that's it for now. I'll try to post more as I settle in!

Blog Hiatus

2007-11-24T11:07:00.000-05:00

Hi All - This blog will be on hiatus while I move. I will be back before you know it - you kids have fun!

- Jarod

Thank You

2007-11-11T16:52:00.000-05:00

Today (Sunday) is Veterans Day. Remember to take a moment to thank them - we all owe them a huge debt.
Thank You, Veterans!

Today's T-Shirts

2007-11-10T12:57:00.000-05:00

Some more T-Shirt Ideas I thought of:

- PLEASE Stop Fattening Your Kids
- Member: Useless T-Shirt Club
- If You Are Not Impressed By Now, I Have a Fiver In My Wallet
- I Invented Jam Shorts!
- Do I Ask Rhetorical Questions?
- If I Am Wearing A Slogan T-Shirt, It Probably Means I Am Not Successful Enough To Mate With
- You Will Feel A Slight Tingling Sensation
- I Am Lactose Intolerate, And Just Drank A BUNCH of Milk
- Can't We Just Pretend You Already Like Me?
- I Am Easily Paid Off
- Let The Failure BEGIN
- Let Me Be Your Mr. "Fun-For-The-First-Five-Months-Then-The-True-Personality-Shows-Itself"
- I May Or May Not Be Wearing Speedos!
- Spotted Owls Killed My Parents

T-Shirts For Women:

- Guess What? Your Husband Just Looked At Me, And He Will Deny It.
- I May Be Pretty, But I Can Spear A Rhino At 300 Yards
- Just To Be Clear: I Know exactly What You Are Up To.
- Lets Face It, I Could Sleep With Half The Men In This Room AT WILL.
- I Am Purposely Wearing Ugly Shoes Just To Hear You Lie
- Warning: I Had My Nails Cased With Adamantium
- Wanted: Male Friend To Move Furniture And Drool After Me
- I Am Great In Bed, But Have An Annoying Mother. Choose Now!

Today's Random Thoughts

2007-11-08T10:21:00.000-05:00

- If the Aliens were to land, probably the worse day they could choose is April Fools Day.

- Is it a law that all 45 year old guitar-store clerks have to wear black jeans?

- A few years ago when there was a trend to have pot-bellied pigs as pets - remember that? Interestingly, no one seems to know where they've gone, and Hormel Meat Company's profits are up...

- Apparently, all golf caddies are zen-like geniuses, with the ability to transform golfer has-beens into champions through suggestion.

- Consider this: you know how in commercials the man usually does some stereotypical male behavior, only at the end to find the behavior self-defeating, with his wife/girlfriend standing with her arms folded and rolling her eyes? But you hardly ever see the reverse - the wife doing something stereotypical and being made fun of for it. Are advertisers afraid to make fun of female stereotypes because it is not PC - and if so, why is it not PC? Thoughts on this? Comments?

- I would be so happy if the Grand-Canyon turned out to a giant dinosaur foot-print.

- If you walked into a club and with an entourage of Minotaurs, you would probably be asked a series of questions. But this is common sense.

That's all for now, kids!

Sgian Dubh in Action!

2007-11-06T08:57:00.000-05:00

I made a sgian dubh for a gentleman for his wedding day, and he sent some pics of the event. For those that don't know, a sgian dubh is a traditional Scottish knife, and is worn in the sock with the kilt (pronounced ski-in-do). The wedding was obviously beautiful, and the couple was looking great! Here are a couple pics:

The sgian dubh I made. It has an ivory handle, damascus blade, silver fittings and and amber pommel

Th couple - you can just see the sgian peeking out from the right sock.

Traditionally, if the sgian dubh was worn under the armpit, it meant you didn't quite trust your host. However, if you wore it in your sock, it was a gesture of goodfaith. Just don't go wearing them to the airport, kids!

Moving!

2007-11-02T08:34:00.000-05:00

Well folks, I got a new job as Curator of the Woodrow Wilson Presidential Library in Virginia. That means - moving! It looks like a great place, and I am excited. They have a large collections, a great museum, and are growing rapidly. So time to hitch up the wagon, prep the horses, and head on down!
I will miss being close to New York, I think. But that is the wonder of the interstate system - you never know when you'll see my smiling face for a visit.
At any rate, that is the latest news. I will likely be posting more on this later.

PS - Vote for Wilson!

Halloween Update

2007-10-30T08:23:00.000-05:00

Thanks to the Journal News for putting my Halloween column on their news site. It can be found here: http://www.lohud.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071030/NEWS02/710300312/1238/NEWS0219

The Great Halloween Post of 2007

2007-10-23T11:48:00.001-05:00

Oh yes....it is here. The Great Pumpkin is getting fatter as we speak, the owls are practicing their best sinister looks (over the shoulder is in this year), and the store-owners are cackling and wringing their knotted hands as we buy the latest in hip plastic-tombstones. Yes! We are stocking up on mountains of sugar-rush, pre-packaged joy to unload in mass to the glucose-charged, screaming hoards of pudgy ninjas and historically inaccurate pirates....even the fruit supplies are running low from the old couples who always give away apples, thinking they are somehow saving the children (every street has one).

Oh, we are loading up on miles and miles of colored plastic and cheap, lead-filled, Chinese-imported face paint. The kids mouths are drooling like Pavlovian dogs, their fat little bellies shaking in anticipation. The greatest holiday in the history of holidays is arriving in all its spandex glory, and America, as always, has put it's own unique, neon-green-sparkled twist on the ancient celebration. But where does Halloween come from? Did people always dress up? And what is with that figure standing behind you right now as you read this? (Whatever you do, don't turn around, seriously)

Well, it turns out a lot of the Halloween traditions are oldies, as in "what is that stuff called 'iron'?" oldies. And you thought the whole "ladies-dress-naughtily-as-a-way-to-express-that-desire-yet-not-be-condemned-by-society" was a new fad, didn't you? Nope, it goes back quite a ways (more on that later). At any rate here is a brief history of Halloween. And hey, I want credit for not using any Halloween puns, such as "a brief hisssstory of Halloween"....whoops, I just did it. I witch I hadn't done that. I mean, I wish I hadn't done bat. I mean...oh never mind.

- Where does Halloween come from? Well, the ancient Celts believed winter began November 1st (or around thereof). In modern Gaelic this day is called "Samhain" (meaning end of summer). The beginning of winter was regularly associated with death, and was also the time for slaughtering animals for the winter. For the Celts, the eve before - October 31st - was when the separation between the living and the dead became obscured. Burial mounds were opened, and the spirits could aid the druids in predicting food stores for the coming winter. The Celts would perform rituals such as lighting bonfires to keep bad spirits from crossing over. And so it began...

- All Saints Day - what is the connection? Okay, now pay attention - All Saints Day is a Christian celebration which celebrates Saints and Martyrs. In the 9th century, Pope Gregory IV placed the holiday on....you guessed it....November 1st. This meant that All Saints Day and Saimhain fell on the same day. NOW, All Saints Day is also known as "All Hallows Day", and since October 31st is the evening before, Halloween was derived from "All Hallow Even." If this isn't confusing enough for you, look up the whole Florentine Calendar thing and how they measured the day starting at sunset. Loads of fun!

- Why costumes? One version is that people dressed up as spirits so they could "blend in" with the real spirits (remember the living and dead line was obscured). In addition, "All Souls Day", which falls the day after All Saints Day (confuuuuused yet?) was celebrated with costumes and parades. The traditions of these holidays seemed to overlap with time.

- Bobbing for apples - what exactly is going ON there? When the Romans took over much of Celtic Britain, their holidays began to incorporate themselves. A Roman Holiday celebrating the Goddess Pomona fell in late October, and her symbol was....wait for it......an apple! Okay, so the connection is weak - just stick your head in the bucket and don't ask questions, I always say.

- When did it come to America? The Puritans, or "The Badly Dressed Party Poopers" as the Indians called them, banished Halloween (along with pretty much everything else). However, Americans being Americans, we slowly began to get our groove on, and the traditions popular in Europe made their way to the colonies. Early celebrations included dancing, story-telling, and of course crazed, pumpkin-wielding headless horsemen.

- Speaking of pumpkins - The tradition of carving vegetables into lanterns goes way back in Britain and Ireland. The Irish would carve turnips into faces on Halloween as a prank - it is possible they brought this tradition with them to America, finding pumpkins to be more plentiful. In addition, pumpkins happen to ripen around Halloween, much to the delight of testosterone-fueled, fire-cracker brandishing male adolescents (guilty!).

- Why "Trick or Treat"? Well, it seems on All Souls Day Christians would beg for "soul cakes" which were square pieces of bread. The beggars would then say prayers for the donor's deceased relatives. In addition, Irish in America were particularly "prank-prone" on Halloween, blaming mischief on the spirits roaming about. "Trick or Treat" seems to be an evolution of going door to door in combination with a general prank-friendly atmosphere. This is before people sued for "ghost-costume-shock-trauma", of course.

- What about some other customs?

~ After bobbing for apples, if you peel the apple and throw it over your shoulder it might form your Love's initial. Particularly good if his name is in Klingon.

~ To protect your children from spirits, try sprinkling a little salt in their hair (Note: Do not do this before sending to a man-eating troll).

~ Mexico celebrates "Dia De Los Muertos" or "Day of the Dead" on November 1st and 2nd. It is an interesting mix of old and modern cultures.

~ A variation of the bobbing for apples is to hang it on a string, or use a fork in your mouth (Also great if you run out of black-eye makeup).

- So Jarod, what are you wearing this year? I'm not telling! But it may involve some sort of...(message cut off)

More Weekend Adventure

2007-10-22T17:27:00.000-05:00

I did some more of my "take off and explore" this weekend. If you want to try something fun - do this: using the sun as a guide, get in your car and take off in a single direction. Use different roads to adjust accordingly. No maps, just go. You never know where you'll end up, or what you will find! Here are some things I happened upon this weekend:

An interesting dam for a mill, and then - suddenly - a Native American village! You never know when you will happen upon one.

An Indian longhouse. I can totally live in one of these....and I'm absolutely serious

Cool view somewhere in the middle of Connecticut. I also ended up at West Point - here are Napoleon's pistols and sword (the real thing)

General Yamashita's Sword. A WWI tank - or the first "SUV"

Remains of Fort Montgomery - a Revolutionary War Fort taken by the British. We were fighting with the British about something - probably who can hold the remote control.

Sing it with me - "sunnnset on the waaaaateerrr"

That's all, folks. Carry on.

I'm Here To Help!

2007-10-19T15:40:00.000-05:00

Okay, for some reason there seems to be a particularly high content of "cutesy" stuff on the internet lately. Lots of posts about crying, hand-holding, snuggling with dates, etc. I mean, that's normally cool, but there is an EXPLOSION of it lately (I am guilty - posting cuddly pictures of my cat!). Everything is so "cute and romantic," it's like they've been putting solvable Hallmark cards in the water. But not to worry, I am here to help! In the interest of balance, here are few tidbits from a recent sword exhibit I put up. Feel free to growl, dance around a fire, or head-butt your best friend:

Exhibit case full of swords!

An 1833 Dragoon Saber - I mean, how cool is that?

1860 Light Calvary Saber - Used throughout the Civil War, AND makes a nice cake slicer! Eh?

1913 sword designed by none other than George Patton!!

Okay, so did I help anyone? If not, you can always see my posts on catapults! Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go watch Oprah.

Random Thoughts for Today

2007-10-17T10:53:00.001-05:00

No intro to this one....in fact, the sentence you are reading right now is NOT an intro, just to be clear. Any said resemblance to an actual intro is entirely coincidental, and not legally binding. In addition, the word "introduction" has been left out of this intro to emphasize the non-intro-ness of the this non-intro. Except, of course, for inclusion in the last sentence, which has no bearing in this matter beside the actual emphasis in the non-intro-ness emphasising sentence.

- You have never actually seen the present. By the time the light reflecting off any object hits your eyes, a tiny fraction of time has already passed. You are always looking at the past.

- Are Klingons dog people and Vulcans cat people? Just asking.

- George Patton invented a Calvary saber in 1913 (which was adopted by the US army) - one of the last official swords to be manufactured for use in combat. This information is a great way to break the ice when meeting your in-laws (make sure to blurt it out in mid-conversation with no frame of reference).

- The world of Blogger etiquette - is it polite to comment on someones blog if they comment on yours? I'm not sure of the answer to this, only I try my best to do so (if I find the blog interesting). Also, what are the rules on "biting your tongue?" For example, I generally find dating posts nauseating, but that doesn't give me the right to say so on someones blog. I suppose there are no set rules on this.

- If I were a woodchuck, I would insist on being called "Woodcharles."

- Have you ever noticed Tonya Harding and Britney Spears are never in the same place? Coincidence?

Well, that's all for today.

Almost.

Okay, now that's all.

Weekend Adventure

2007-10-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

This weekend, I did one my exploring habits, where I take off and find new places, no real agenda, etc. This time, I went up the Hudson Valley and found some cool stuff. Who wants to come with me next time?

Yes, I live Near Sleepy Hollow. The Real Sleepy Hollow.

Came across this bizarre line of people walking with balloons. It was some kind of "Light up the Night" Festival

Check out these pumpkins at the Cortlandt Manor.

Came across a car show. The first car is an homage to - Hey, if you don't know you've never lived in North Carolina. The second is this cool tank-like thing the police own.

A Ferrari - you want it, don't you? And a Firebird - how awesome is that?

The Hudson River.

New Camera

2007-10-10T19:28:00.000-05:00

For those that don't know, my last camera was destroyed as I fell waist-deep into a 50 foot wide pit of muck while fishing. You didn't think there was quick-sand in New York, did you? Well I have the ruins of a wrecked camera to prove otherwise. But hey, for my birthday I got - you guessed it - a brand new camera! So of course I must post the obligatory "new-camera-woo-hoo-I-can-take-pictures-again" pictures.

Waterfall at my secret fishing spot.

Mr. Cat in full "smug-mode." Once again, you must say that he is cute. Say it! Sayyyy it!

That's all, just a new camera. Carry on.

Jarod's Top Ten Reasons to Invade England.

2007-10-09T12:33:00.000-05:00

So you just sacked Rome. You're feelin' good, walkin' with a strut....your carts are filled with the latest in wreath fashion. But now what? I mean, you can't possibly go back to wandering aimlessly, attacking small villages and burning those cute little huts. That was yesterday, folks -how passe. You are a STAR now, a successful brand. You need something bigger, brighter - something to really get the parchments gossiping - The solution lies before you like a giant, pale, foppish mound of earth.....England, baby! Why invade England, you ask? Well here are ten reasons to feed your PR people:

10 - Laugh at the dancing. Have you ever seen the English dance? It's like a herd of wildebeests throwing themselves repeatedly against an electric fence.

9 - No annoying "Sun" or "Blue Skies". Outside of England it's always "Isn't it a nice day?" or "Hey, great weather we're having." None of that malarkey in England.

8 - Watch the aliens build Stonehenge. A plethora of entertainment. Bring the wife and kids!

7 - No French. This is an added bonus to any situation, of course.

6 - Knock off those annoying bowler hats. It's true, bowler hats haven't been invented yet, but that won't stop you from knocking them off the English heads. Extra: try punching through the hats for further insult.

5 - No dentist drills. The English hate dentists, and you will never hear that annoying drill.

4 - Learn grammar. The English will be the first to correct your badly written war-chants. "It's not 'Burned to ashes' it's 'Burn to ashes'....you are confusing your tenses."

3 - Lose weight from the food. Have you ever eaten a "boiled hamburger?" Enough said.

2- Merlin is the hook up. Who better to get girls than a crazed, hooded figure that disappears into the mist?

And finally,

1 - Invade England, win a tapestry!

Well, that's all for now. Have a nice invasion!

Guest Bloggin' At Sarah's

2007-10-05T12:31:00.000-05:00

Author Sarah Moffett asked me to write a guest post for her blog while she is away, and I am honored to do so - It goes up Friday the 5th, so "check it out" as the kids say. Here is her site: http://www.sarahmoffett.com/

For those that don't know, Sarah is the talented author of Growing Up Moffett: The Rise and Fall of Innocence in a Pathos Plagued Year. Her book has received excellent reviews, and she is currently working on her second. Go to Amazon and look her up!

Today's History Lesson For Generation Z

2007-09-27T09:35:00.000-05:00

I'm "hip" to your problems, young fellers. I'm groovy, and I know that you can't... like...be wasting your time with long, totally boring history lessons while the X-box sits just feet away - gag me with a spoon (look up meaning). So FWIW, here are some quick facts for you - some history "bling" if you will (unless that is SO 2005). And please, DFTT.

- Like, why are cops called cops? Check this out, or whatever (CTOOW?) - it could be because of the copper badges they once wore, or it could be from the word "cop", which means "to sieze". As for which one it is, how should I know? LOL (eats Cheetos)

- What's with the electric guitar? Pretty much came around in the thirties so the audience could hear them over the the big band sound. But the audiences were totally lame...I mean, no moshing or nothing. First recording was in 1938 by some guy named George Barnes or something.

- Video Games...how long? N00b, you should know this. 1948, idea patented. 1958 "tennis for two" developed. The first home video game system was the Magnavox Odyssey in 1972, totally pwning Atari by a few years.

- Chewing gum? AAMOF, there are traces of birch bark tar as early as 5,000 years ago. People chewed all kinds of resins and stuff for centuries, (O RLY?) ...Native Americans chewed spruce resin, settlers dug it, picked up on the practice - some dude named John Curtis sold the first commercial gum in 1848 called "The State of Maine Pure Spruce Gum." In the 1860's chicle was imported from Mexico, used as a gum base. Totally smooth texture, BTW. Kind of like the beginning of modern gum, I guess.

Meh, that is like, at least four facts now. Enough, bro, NTY! Quick, grab that Wii control before your brain goes Commodore 64.

EOM

Today's Random Observations

2007-09-25T12:38:00.000-05:00

Just some random observations for today. No order, or actual point, but here you go:

- A good way to ruin a first date is to show up in an fully accurate 1820's whaling outfit.

- If I ask for a "Large" instead of a "Vente" at Starbucks, will I be immediately arrested?

- I can't prove it, but underneath the banjo and smiles, Kermit the Frog is planning something sinister.

- Sometimes, you have to drop everything and prance around whooping like Curly.

- Let's face it, Cinderella's lack of political experience would have left her new kingdom in financial ruin.

- The Kool-Aid Man gets points for style, but nobody bursts into a room like the Hulk.

- Every now and then you will catch a squirrel standing there staring at you, berry in mouth. This is indeed cause for alarm, and we should all be concerned.

- Just previously, I may have been wrong about James Taylor being folk music. Is he? I'm, not sure.

- It's always "guys are silly" this, and "girls are mean" that. Are we really that different?

- If they ever discover Santa is real, he will be immediately sued by the toy industry and grounded by the FAA.

- Transportation of the future? Three words: "Highly Accurate Catapults."

Folk Music? Why not.

2007-09-20T19:22:00.000-05:00

I remember when I was young my mom would play James Taylor while studying for her PHD in English. And guess what we sat on to listen to it - that's right, a bean bed! How groovy is THAT? It was a giant 70's folk fiesta. So in honor of those days, here is my James Taylor impression I recorded on my computer mic. Did I wear folk clothes? I'm not telling.

http://www.jarodkearney.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/taylor.mp3

Jarod's Top Ten Reasons To Sack Rome

2007-09-19T11:43:00.000-05:00

You and your friends are bored. You've taken over Gaul....crossed the Rhine....introduced a new era of political instability....blah, blah, blah. You are getting restless. I mean, the other day you destroyed an entire caravan just for "failure to yield at a crosswalk". You NEED a hobby, something new, something exciting. But what do do, what to do?

Well gulp that mead and grab your low-thread linens - why not sack Rome?! As if you needed a reason, I give you TEN of them:

10 - More Fashionable armor. Let's face it, your armor is sooooo 301 AD (finger snap). Time to get WITH IT, people. And what's with that atrocious beard? Eewwww.
9 - Smaller, more practical goat-carts. AND, they can park conveniently - important when on the move, raiding villages.
8 - Better ice cream. You are not sure what ice cream is, or if it's even invented, but one thing you do know - if Rome has it - it's YOURS.
7 - Get the latest Gladiator gossip. Who's "in" this year? What are they wearing? Any scandals or rehab stints? And did you see Ordorus Agrippamus' performance at last week's Death Match Awards? Horrible. It's like he wasn't even TRYING.
6 - Get a Tan. Have you seen your pale legs lately, Northman? Eeewwwww.
5 - Free fiddle concert as Rome burns
4 - Hot Italian girls with cool accents. Why not check out some new scenery? I mean, around you it's nothing but GOTH chicks.
3 - The Emperor is a dork anyway. It's always "I will conquer this" and "I will build that" Time to knock that stupid wreath off his head!
2 - France is running out of surrendering villages. Okay, so France doesn't exist yet. But that doesn't stop them from raising their hands in surrender!
1 - And finally, Toga Party in the Forum! Last one there is a rotten sack of grain!

So, off you go....sack away, you wild and fun-loving barbarians, sack away!

Concert in Central Park

2007-09-17T17:20:00.001-05:00

Got together with a bunch of friends and saw Underworld at Central Park this weekend. A great weekend of fun, excellent music, and excellent food....

The Concert. Plenty of dancing. Plenty of shaved heads and goatees. You could hear the bass thumping all the way down on Central Park South!

I don't care how many times I've seen it, I always love going here. Points to anyone who can tell me who the armor on the left belonged to.

I also love seeing these fellas. Hey, who doesn't?

By the way, has anyone been to Revels on little 12th street? It's nice, open - just a cool place. I recommend it for a casual early evening hang.

That's all, carry on!

Decorations - What do you Like?

2007-09-13T11:21:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of some other blog posts lately, I thought I'd post a few decorations that I have around my house. I'd be interested to see what decorations other people like. Any favs? Post them on your blogs if you get a chance!

- A WWII Japanese Katana, and the painting I got in China from a famous artist.

- A letter from Theodore Roosevelt. Pretty groovy, eh? (yes, these artifacts are real)

- A cuneiform tablet from 1,800 BC, a Han Dynasty small pot, two oil lamps ca 200 AD

- A Confederate 1864 $10 note , and a Union 1863 $5 dollar note. Sort of symbolizing my "Northern and Southernness", since I've lived in both worlds.

- Indian artifacts I've found, and various other artifacts

- A 1750's Pennsylvania long-rifle. It is a reproduction, but a firing one. It is LOUD. The powderhorn in the middle is probably mid-1700s.

- Two of my "boys"

- "The General" I love this guy, he is a reproduction of the famous Terracotta General, and I dragged him all around China. He is not light!

- Various Roman coins. The gold one is Byzantine.

- Some woodcarvings I made.

- 1600s parchment. Ever try to read one of these?

And finally, not a decoration, but Mr. Cat will pose where he chooses!

And Now For....Things I Don't Like! (insert circus music)

2007-09-08T23:53:00.000-05:00

In a previous post, I went on and on like a $15.00 Hallmark card about things I like in life. But someone (I believe it was Bugs Bunny) once said you can't have yin without yang, good without bad, The Terminator without a pale, groveling Woody Allen. So in the spirit of that wisdom, I give you....things I don't like:

- Disrespect for the elderly. The next time you are behind a slow elderly person, breath in, relax, and remember - they have been on this planet a lot longer than you. They may be a war veteran, a great grandmother, or a volunteer. To be sure, they have seen things you haven't, and lived in a time before a lot of our conveniences. Old people are ALLOWED to drive slow, you ungrateful punk!

- Finding the outdoors "Icky". Quit being so cosmopolitan and run around in the woods once in a while! You have Tivo, don't you?

- The whole "having to find someone" thing. It bugs me how people feel they aren't complete until they find someone. Why? Having someone is nice, but it shouldn't define who you are. Am I right? (goes to couch and watches Sleepless in Seattle while eating bon-bons)

- Not taking care of your tools/knives. Okaaaaay, so it's not the end of the world if you don't. But try, people!

(A younger me polishing one of my first knives, like a good little bladesmith)

- People who let their activism or education kill their sense of humor. Activism is a great thing, but try to not let it quell your irreverence. For example, read the following two statements: "The more librarian-like a woman's glasses, the more easily offended she is" and "For all we know, the baby seals are hatching a plot to kill us all". Did they make you smile, or offend you? Welllll?

- Those fake, modern log cabins. If you are going to live in a log cabin, it should be OLD SCHOOL

This is not a log cabin

THIS is a log cabin!

- People who are unable to fix small things around the house. You don't have to be Bubba the handyman, but come on, every man and woman should at least know how to hammer a nail and change a car tire.

- Meat-market type night clubs. You know the drill. The guys with their shirts unbuttoned and hair carefully disarranged. The girls pursing their lips and wearing their latest booty outfit. Everyone trying to act as "cool" as possible. It's all so absurd, how can anyone actually take it seriously? I'd love to see the Marx Brothers suddenly descend on the dance floor.

- Tearing down historic buildings. Once they are gone, that's it, there is no "do over". Hey, I am all for progress, but give a little nod to the past, it won't hurt cha'!

And now for a general list. I bet you dollars to donuts you agree with at least some of these:

- Car Alarms (they go off so often they are redundant)
- The little logos and ads at the bottom of the TV screen. Stop it! Who authorized this?
- The itch toxin in Mosquitoes. Is it REALLY necessary?
- Bling. Stop it!
- Celebrity worship. Hey, I think Angelina Jolie is pretty, but I don't care what she ate for dinner, or how many hundreds of kids she has (Unless she is having kids with me, then sentiment is somehow null and void).
- Bubonic Plague. Never liked it, never will.
- Talking on cellphones loudly in crowds. Yes, it is annoying, and YES it is bad manners. Stop it!
- People who make lists about things they like or dislike. (you KNEW that was coming didn't you? Didn't you?!!)

Well, that's all for now. My rant is over. The soapbox has been placed carefully in storage, and the indignant, furrowed frown is relaxed and non-agitated. Carry on!

As Volunteer Firefighter Ben Franklin Said, "What's The Dealio, Yo?"

2007-09-06T12:40:00.000-05:00

I know, I know - You've been sweating all week wondering when, oh WHEN will somebody post some firefighter facts? I mean, you were making phone calls to the government, frantic telegrams to your friends and family, begging, pleading. Well plead no more, young seeker of hydrant knowledge and explorer of hose wisdom. It so happens I am about to complete a major firefighting exhibit at the museum, and I have enough facts to last you until the next time you set the house on fire making your traditional holiday napalm.

- Dalmatians, what's the deal with them? Well, Dalmatians were used since the 19th century when firemen used horse-drawn trucks. You see, Dalmatians get along well with horses, are intelligent, and have good stamina. They were used to chase off the other dogs at fires, and horses could distinguish them because of - you guessed it - their spots. Plus, who doesn't like a Dalmatian? Just wook at dem cutey eyeballeys and spotsies, awwww

- What was the first major fire in the colonies? Get this - no sooner had Jamestown been settled than it is destroyed by fire in 1609. "For goodness sake, keep the Jedediah away from the matches!"

- What are some early forms of firefighting? One of the earliest is the good old bucket brigade. Yep, passing buckets back and forth. You see, this was before people sued for breaking a nail, so it worked okay for the time. Another early form was the "hand-tub", which was basically a large wooden tub with a hand pump. How did they keep it filled? Bucket Brigade.

- Fire Hydrants...tell me about them (said with a tweed jacket and pipe in mouth). Well, in the 1600s people would dig holes down to the underground water pipes and use the spewing water in the bucket brigades. They would then plug the holes off. After the great fire of London in 1666, the city installed water pipes with access holes and risers. Humans being somewhat clever now and again, people invented all sorts of interesting caps for these systems which one might call hydrants. Modern fire hydrants began springing up probably around the late 1800s.

- This first volunteer company in America, the Mutual Fire Society, was organized in Boston in 1718. However, they only fought fires at their member’s homes!

- Ben Franklin, why the mention? When Ben was not fathering the country or seducing French women, he was a volunteer fireman! He established the Union Fire Company, the first fire organization in Philadelphia and one of the first in America to fight fires for the general public.

- When was the match invented? The first friction match was invented in 1827 by English chemist John Walker. The first dating match was invented by cave-mother Gogamock who set up her daughter with that "nice boy who hoards the fish-guts"

- Was the 1871 Great Chicago Fire really started by a cow kicking over a lantern? Probably not. However, it did start in a shed around Dekoven St. The cow story was made up by journalist Michael Ahern to make the story "more colorful". The fire itself killed between 200-300 people, burned 73 miles of roadway, and left 90,000 people homeless. It was said to have caused more damage than Napoleon's siege of Moscow.

- Sliding poles? Welllll? The first sliding poles were installedin 1873 in New York. They were made of wood, making for some interesting places for splinters.

- Gas Powered firetrucks? Around the 1910s, but they probably came into real prominence in the 1920s. The last horse-drawn engine was retired in New York in 1922. The horses were overheard to say "Hey Mack, itza 'bawt time! Eh?!"

- The 911 Emergency Number - when? In 1968. The company that choose the number? AT&T.

- How many buildings were destroyed by the LA Riots in 1992? About 1,100.

And finally, I leave you with the Maltese Cross:

One of the symbols most often used by Fire Departments across the world is the Maltese Cross. The cross was originally used by the Knights of St. John, who were known for their courage and service to the people. During battle, the Knights of St. John would often risk their own life extinguishing the fire-bombs used by their enemies, thus becoming some of the earliest firemen. The Knights eventually settled on the Island of Malta, and their symbol become known afterward as the Maltese Cross.

Well, that's enough for now folks. Remember to thank your local fireman for their service, and if you are so inclined, they are always looking for a few good volunteers!

Nerdfest 2007: Back From Dragoncon!

2007-09-03T12:27:00.000-05:00

That's right. I went to Dragoncon this weekend in Atlanta, one of the largest Sci-fi/fantasy conventions in the country. I absolutely loved it! What can be said that you aren't already imagining? Basically every comic that you can think of was there, famous artists, sci-fi celebrities, writers - room after nerd-filled room. But of course, the best thing, and the most hilarious, was the COSTUMES. They were was absolutely amazing, and the work some of these people put into them was incredible. There was a wide range - some weren't very good, and some of the people -to put it kindly - should not be in spandex. But a lot of them were fantastic.

Another hilarious phenomenon was the girls that were were in "show-off" mode, pandering to the nerds with plenty of cleavage and corsets. Personally, I find the whole "look-how-hot-I-am" thing somewhat silly, but in this case it seemed to be all in good fun and everyone was sort of "in on the joke." To be sure, the guys who can't get girls in real life were certainly loving it, so it's kind of a charity service, maybe :)

One of the coolest things, though, was I got to meet Steve Niles, creator of 30 Days of Night. This is a famous vampire graphic novel, and is coming out as a movie this fall with Josh Harnett. He was cool, and signed a couple comics for me.

So anyway, without further ado, here are some pics - check out these amazing costumes, folks!

Gandalf and Frodo with some happy lady.

The Tick! "Spooooooooooon!"

My friend Mike and a Stormtrooper

The Gears of War guys. I mean come on, how impressive is this?

Should this guy REALLY be in a tight skirt?

Bender from Futurama.

The Sandman, Spidey (doesn't he look like Tobey?) Wolverine, and the Blackcat.

How Batman and Robin would look if they lived in their mother's basement.

Some pretty good Harry Potter character costumes (Fleur Delacour, Sirius, Bellatrix, and Snape)

The "Sith Cheerleaders"

Daniel LaRusso. A costume of a character in costume!

A hilarious robot.

For the guys, I give you some eye-candy. For the ladies, I give you....."Stormtrooper Elvis"!

Well, thats all for now folks. And remember, May the Force be with you. Live long and prosper.... Wolverine can beat up Iron Man. Batman didn't have armored suits in the original series. Everyone knows that the original Godzilla was NOT a giant iguana....

Addition To Last Post

2007-08-30T20:52:00.000-05:00

Just a couple pics of the secret spot I was talking about in the last post. Notice I didn't include any landmarks, and you are all sworn to secrecy! Shhhhh!

This is the closest thing to a trail when getting to it.

So pretty! Little do you realize the menacing shapes gliding under the water.

Gratuitous pole shot!

A nice little bass. Look at those gorgeous colors!

So far, I haven't been able to catch the monster carp. But I got some serious bites tonight, so I'm getting closer. I need just the right combo of bait ingredient and..........okay, you guys probably think I'm the biggest redneck by now. Next post I promise something not fish or mud related!

A Little Find

2007-08-29T00:22:00.001-05:00

So I was out fishing tonight in a secret spot. You have to hop a fence, bushwhack through all kinds of brush and snakes, and duck and crawl your way to the shore. Then you have to cast in bizarre angles because the entire shore is covered in thickets. Crazy? Perhaps, but it is worth it. The carp are so big, they actually mock you when you show up. They laugh at your pitiful baits and lures. Laugh, I tell you.

Anyway, the shore is basically a cliff, so I dug in the dirt to make a make-shift seat. Low and behold, I came across some turtle eggs! Now, the odd thing is this is the second time I've accidentally dug up turtle eggs - the first was in a field in NC, and I raised three of them from that incident. Unfortunately, this time I had already smashed one open by accident, and a little fellow popped out. I decided to take him home to try and raise him to releasing age since his shell was broke.

Even stranger, later in the evening I was reeling a line in by hand (don't ask), so it was dragging on the pond's bottom. I thought it was stuck, but something huge began pulling. The line was a light four pound test, so it was quite a struggle. When I got it to the shore, it was a snapping turtle the size of a truck hubcap! You should have seen this massive hulk coming out of the water, tail like a dragon, shell like a WWII tank. For those that don't know, snapping turtles can bite your toes clean off, and actually give medals to each other for just that thing. I thought it might have been the turtle's mother coming for revenge, but it was a different species (you should know your turtle species when you wade in water). But to be sure, it was a little odd.

I can't prove it, but I think the snapper pointed at me and said "YOU."

Boston and my Sister!

2007-08-27T14:56:00.000-05:00

Went to Boston last weekend and was in history-nerd-heaven! Paul Revere's house, the USS Constitution, Bunker Hill, the whole nine-yards of nerdness. Birthplace of the Nation? Well, who knows, but a pretty cool town.

Plus I got to see my sister, who was in town speaking at a huge chemical conference. We met with my parents and all got to hang out.

Let me tell you folks why the women in my family rock.

They are drop dead gorgeous, yet they have never relied on their looks and always stood on their own two feet! Case in point (brag alert!) - my sister is becoming a seriously famous scientist with a PHD in poly-chemistry, doing research at one of the best universities in the country. She is one of the smartest people on the planet. Yet she has model-good looks and I've had to fight my friends off her for years. My mom used to ACTUALLY model, yet is a full professor of English. She raised two children completely on her own, and managed to work full time and get a PHD in the process. Now why aren't women like this role models for our children?

Do they care about the surface stuff that society teaches us - like you "have to rely on a man", or who has the best handbags, or "oh, look at me?" No!! They are smart, tough, successful, beautiful women. And don't get me started on my cousins! I love it, the ultimate snub to the propaganda of the 50s!

That's all, I just wanted to brag a little!

"Conan, What Is Best In Life?"

2007-08-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

It's a good question, isn't it? What are a couple things in life I think are pretty cool? I have some opinions, as you probably guessed.

- I love that feeling I get when I find an ancient ruin, castle, or similar historic site on one of my travels. I don't know, it's some weird, primitive connection I feel. As if the ancestors are calling out - "Check out what we did! Isn't life cool?" I mean, how can you not like things like this:

- Making things with my own hands. It is bizarrely satisfying. As a fun game, I try not to buy little knick-knacks if I can make them myself. For example, here is a knife I made (made the chainmail too)

- Going old-school camping. That's right, kids, none of this "suburban-camping" stuff where you bring your little cellphones and I-pods (ugggg). If you truly distance yourself from civilization, it awakens something in you, if only for a weekend (insert cavemen banging on drums).

- Having my own land. I have 16 acres in NC, and I love the fact that I can do whatever I want with it. By the time I am done it will be one of the coolest places ever. Here is a picture, by the way. No castle built yet, standby for that.

- My Cat, "Mr. Cat!" Isn't he cuuuuuuuuute??? Say it! Saaayyyy itttt!

- Fishing. Ohhhh man, out there, all is quiet. Just me and the water, the anticipation, the fight. I especially like wading in the muck to go that extra mile. None of this "ewww, I might get dirty" stuff. Sometimes, you just have to go Captain Ahab, folks.

- Just taking off and exploring. Whether it is getting in my car and randomly driving, finding a field somewhere, checking out a flea market I happen upon, whatever. It is so much fun to see new sights and sounds - I'm always surprised at how much cool stuff there is even locally!

Okay, so there are TONS more stuff. But what about you guys?

Learning the Banjo

2007-08-21T19:42:00.000-05:00

I'm trying to learn the banjo, and decided to record a little with my computer mic. Okay, so I have a loooong way to go. But I figure I'll be pretty good by the time I'm 80. Why not?

http://www.jarodkearney.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/audio_19.mp3

By the way, the banjo has it's roots in Africa. The slaves used to fashion banjos out of gourds and the instrument caught on, eventually evolving into it's modern form.

For the record, I think banjo is harder than the other instruments I learned. The timing is really hard to get down, and so far I don't quite have it. But, Rome wasn't built....oh never mind.

Fun With Wood!

2007-08-18T10:12:00.000-05:00

Here are some wood-carvings I did. I'm thinking about doing a sculpture at some point, but I need more wood. Anyone want to come with me looking for a giant walnut tree?

My friend blowing bubbles

A random face. Perhaps before the morning coffee?

Maybe too much coffee?

This one is based on a Roman mask found at Kalkriese. The real one is below (okay, so it is not exact!):

So anyway - if you have never carved wood, you should try it, it's fun! And it leaves a wonderful layer of wood-chips in your townhouse - you know, to give it that "18th century" look you can't find in a catalog.

Neanderthals, Cro-Magnon, and Uncle Billy in a Deer-Skin Tube-Top

2007-08-14T09:18:00.001-05:00

The idea hit you like a catapulted Dodo bird. You were at the Natural History Museum the other day, and you couldn't help but notice a striking resemblance between the Neolithic Man display and half of your in-laws. The Alpha Male, spearing a 15 foot Mammoth in the buttocks, bore a striking resemblance to your brother-in-law waiting in line at the barbecue. Same gaping mouth, same crazed eyes, same thick, sweat-filled back-hair.

"But" you openly cry into the air, beckoning to the great tourist spirit "I thought we were genetically different than our ancestors! I mean, how long have humans been, well, humans? Isn't there something about Neanderthals being pushed out? And most importantly, did cave-women wear leather bikinis?"

These are all interesting questions, and in order to save you from future embarrassing outbursts at the museum, here are some facts for you. Well, facts depending on who you talk to.

- How old are we? It depends on how you look at it. Homo sapiens as a distinct species started appearing approximately 200,000 years ago, however there are millions of years of protohumans running amok before this. Australopithecus, a group of hominids which existed as early as 4 million years ago, were considered for a long time our ancestors, however there is debate about the actual direct connection. Homo Habilis, the earliest fellows in our particular genus, began appearing about 2.4 million years. So where do "we" begin? Perhaps it depends on whether or not you would date a 4-foot hominid with no car. At any rate, probably your safest bet is to say "Homo sapiens appeared about 200,000 years ago" and hope the early hominids aren't offended.

- How long have our ancestors walked upright? Probably somewhere between 4 and 6 million years (those early hominids again). Walking, of course, was invented when "Ook-Ook the Flea Master" tried to impress the good-looking hairy chick down the way. This led to the first "romantic walk on the beach," which ended in disaster as the couple was dragged screaming into the sea by a now-extinct species of sea-cow.

- Tools: How long have we been using them? The earliest stone tools we have found date to around 2.5 million years ago. There may have been bone tools used earlier, but this is...you guessed it...debated!

- Fire: How long? Fast forward a million years, lots of evolution, lots of crazed whooping, and around 1.5 million years ago we started using fire - or more accurately one of our ancestors, Homo erectus, did (hey, no smirking at the name).

- Clothing? Unknown. There are estimates of between 100,000 and 600,000 years ago. However, it is known that the first childish tantrum thrown by a fashion designer followed the very next day.

- Neanderthals: What are they? Okay - now pay attention. Neanderthals started appearing around 250,000 years ago. It is confusing because Homo sapiens started appearing around the same time (remember - 200,000 years ago), and we share many similar characteristics. There is a debate over whether Neanderthals are a subspecies of human, or a completely separate species. However the current consensus is that they are indeed separate, we just shared a common ancestor.

- Cro-Magnon: What are they? Cro-Magnon are indeed modern human, they are simply the group that lived in Europe, named after the cave in France where the first fossil was found. SO...you got your first Homo sapiens appearing in Africa around 200,000 BC, they hang out there for awhile, then about 50,000 BC they start migrating out. The ones that went to Europe? We call 'em Cro-Magnon.

- Did modern humans and Neanderthals come into contact? Yes. there is evidence that in certain areas Neanderthals and modern man co-existed as modern man emigrated into their territories (50,000 BC). However, Neanderthals began slowly being pushed out, and by about 24,000 BC Neanderthals were extinct. Cooiiinciiideeeence??

- Could they mate? DNA evidence suggests no (sorry, Darryl Hanna). But, if you really wanted to, you could have a nice evening with a Cro-Magnon. Ladies, talk about your "real" man (don't put fingers near mouth)

- What exactly then, is a "caveman?" This is simply a pop-culture term for early hominids, particularly Neanderthals and Cro-Magnan. It is not used in scientific terminology, unless the professor is....well...an actual caveman.

- So, did they...(drum-roll)....live in caves? Well, if there was a good one around, sure. There are lots of archaeological sites in caves, or overhanging rocks for shelter. But they also had huts made of branches and animal skins, and weren't "confined" to caves. As the Cro-Magnon used to say "Hut good. Cave Better. Cave with jacuzzi, best."

I know what you are thinking. 'This is all well and good, Jarod, but what about the cavewomen in leather bikinis?!' I'm sorry to report that there is no evidence of bikinis. There is, however, evidence of leopard speedos invented by Gakk-Gakk the Impressive (made out of actual leopards). Ironically, it may have been the tight-fitting speedo which drove the Neanderthals to extinction by causing the females to throw themselves off cliffs in masses. To be sure, something happened to the Neanderthals, and it wasn't pretty.

At any rate, the next time you are visiting your in-laws, have pity. They can't help the grunting, the bad posture, or the odor. They are the result of millions of years of evolution, and guess what, millions of years from now they will be saying the same thing about us. At least, as long as the leopard speedo stays in Europe.

Good Music!

2007-08-12T17:11:00.000-05:00

Went to the "Gathering of the Vibes" music festival on Saturday. It was great! Lots of colorful sites, smiling people, and good music. Les Claypool was up there, slapping his bass. He actually had an odd hybrid between a banjo and a bass he called his "bassjo". By the way, if you never heard of Les Claypool - google and listen immediately (and hang your head in shame for listening to pop rock these last 15 years). Bob Weir was also there, and lots of other bands.

Here are some pics for your groovy pleasure:

Some interesting concert wear. They insisted Dorothy was alive and well.

Some dancing girls and the standard "guy with exposed beer gut"

Some weird light-stick-man thing that briefly hovered above me. I think he was looking for his car.

Les Claypool on stage. That's him all right, clear as a bell!

So thanks, Vibes, for a cool day of music and sights!

An Actual, Normal Blog Post!

2007-08-08T12:11:00.000-05:00

You know, it occurred to me - in a sudden and shocking revelation - that I have never actually posted your basic, normal blog post. I read other people's blogs, and they talk about what they ate for dinner, dating, an experience on the subway, "overheard at work", etc, etc. You know - actual life, and they are usually quite fun to read and written entertainingly (funnily?). I don't think I have ever read another blog post on the top-ten reasons to seige a castle, or how to tell if pearls are fake. I mean, what's wrong with me, anyway? I hear things at work, I EAT dinner! That's right, I too have everyday happenings, but for some reason have not blogged about them.

So kids, for the first time ever, here is an actual, normal blog post (Kazoos, confetti release)!

Yesterday I woke up, and hit the alarm. I petted my cat, who looked at me with that "Yes I will eat you if you die in the apartment" look. I got in my car, and went to work. I was hoping to see a UFO on the way, but no luck.

Got to work. Worked. Work was fun.

Went home. Petted cat. I watched a little TV. Ate dinner. It was a nice steak with......with...................Ahhhhh I can't do it!! Did you know the Aztecs had entire books of written languages, but they were all destroyed but four? Did you know you can fire clay with a portable barbecue and a blowdryer? Do you know what makes good steel for swords?...car leaf springs!! And, and...

Okay, okay, so I failed. Hey give me some credit, I almost made it through. I will try again another day. In the meantime, a good bait for carp is sugar snaps in a pile of rice mixed with instant jello.

Strawberry is best.

New Bonsai Tree!

2007-08-04T09:50:00.000-05:00

Check out my new bonsai! Of course, "new" may not be entirely accurate since it is over 20 years old. You see kids, I don't own my bonsai trees, I am simply taking care of them until the next generation - hows that for some Mr. Miyagi-esque perspective.

I have many bonsai trees - this one I got from a Master who I took some lessons from. He liked my knives, so I am exchanging a knife for a bonsai - an old school trade, really.

For those that don't know anything about bonsai - here are a couple quick items:

- Bonsai is not a species of tree. It can be just about any tree species - maple, oak, whatever - they are "miniaturized" by pruning, root pruning, and many, many, many, many other techniques. Did I mention there are many techniques involved? This one happens to be a Trident Maple.

- Bonsai means "tree-pot". Go figure!

- Bonsai is pronounced "bone - sigh" (that's right - bone as in chicken bone). This is not to be confused with "Banzai!!" which is a Japanese war cry. Banzai means "ten thousand years" (check out the history of that phrase on wiki, it is interesting).

- They can live for hundreds of years. You don't believe me? Wait.

- Bonsai are not "starved" to become small. In fact, I put fertilizer on mine quite regularly. They are actually quite healthy.

- The idea is not so much to make an exact replica of a tree on a small scale (although you can do that), it is more to give an impression of a tree - think of it in terms of abstract art. If you look closely at the picture, it doesn't look exactly like maple trees do in the wild - yet for some reason it gives you the impression a large, beautiful tree - at least when you see it in person it does.

- If you bonsai an apple tree, full apples will still come out - it's true! Same with lemon trees, orange trees, etc. It's cool looking, check it out -http://www.bonsaiboy.com/catalog/product561.html

Well, that's all for now. Now, close your eyes, Daniel-san, picture tree...

Back from the Dig!

2007-07-05T09:19:00.000-05:00

To sum up the last two weeks: "Rite crackin' brilliant!"

What more can a fellow ask? Surrounded by ancient ruins, digging in the muck, castles, caves, plenty of scones.

The Arbeia Roman fort is located on a hilltop in the town of South Shields, England. For those that don't know, it is on the eastern end of Hadrian's Wall at the sea, fairly close to the Scottish border. This means that not only do the people speak in a dialect which requires a certified code-breaker to understand, but that it also rained EVERY SINGLE DAY! I, of course, thought this was cool (picture an army of barbarians running down a rain-slicked hill) - but for the average tourist I'm sure this causes numerous complaint letters to the weather bureau.

The fort itself was built around 160 AD. It was a conventional fort for a while, but around 200 AD it was converted into a supply base for Hadrian's Wall, with food granaries replacing a lot of the barracks. In the picture below, you can see the stone foundations of some granaries peeking out on our dig site. Notice how far down they are below the surface!

The fort was also expanded, with the original south wall being torn down and a new one built further out. I was on the team which exposed the stone foundation of that original south wall, so it was cool to see that early work. We spent many hours tediously removing clay from the stones, and in the picture below you can see the fully exposed foundation. Pretty groovy!

The group which came to the site was fantastic. People from all walks of life, mostly American. They were hard working, fun, and a pleasure to meet. Even though the weather was hard, people kept their chin up and pulled through like troopers. There was also a great sense of humor amoung the group, and we spent hours laughing and hanging out. Unfortunately there were a couple people who, for some reason, acted somewhat immaturely (imagine being an adult and still think it's cool to make snarky comments, etc). It was quite amusing to witness, actually. But this wasn't typical of the group, the rest of the people were great!

And, of course, The staff was amazing. They were all experts, and I tried my best to learn as much as I could, like a giant nerd sponge. In addition to the actual dig, they provided lectures on the site's history, Roman history, pottery, Hadrien's Wall, etc. The site had reconstructed several buildings, included barracks and headquarters. In the picture below you can see the reconstructed Roman gate. If you want to keep your neighbors out, try one of these suckers.

Well, that's all for now - I'll add more later. I leave you with a picture of the coastline at South Shields. Yes, you can actually hear a full chorus when you get to the cliffs....

Heading to the Past!

2007-06-15T09:42:00.000-05:00

Hello All,
I am going on an archaeological dig in England, and will be gone until July 5. It is at a Roman Fort in South Shields, and should be "brilliant" as they say. I can't think of a better way to spend two weeks than digging in ancient strata! Fun, Fun! I am looking forward to lots of history, working with the fellows over there, exploring, and maybe a ghost legion or two marching around at night. I will be sort of lost in time for a while, so see you when I get back. Urbem latericium invenit, marmoream reliquit!

The Continental Army: Don't Forget your Toothbrush!

2007-06-12T09:28:00.000-05:00

On June 14th, 1775, the Continental Army was created by the Second Continental Congress to form a unified force against the British. The British, for their part, generally reacted with full belly laughs and extra rounds of tea. You see, up until that point, the Patriots' military capability had generally been militia, which according to Mel Gibson had lots of guys with bad teeth and penchants for eating dogs. To be sure, there was no unified army to back up the will of the Patriots until the Continental Army was formed. This could have been quite embarrassing - showing up to battle with no color coordination (imagine a line of British Officers simultaneously humphing).

So what happened exactly during those couple months? Well, in keeping with the spirit of the make-shift army, here is a make-shift timeline:

- April 19th, 1775: Massachusetts Militia face off with British forces at Lexington. The British were attempting to destroy a weapons depot gathered by the colonists, which, as anyone who has tried to take a gun away from an American, is a "no-no". Before this, of course, there were a bunch of acts passed by the British Parliament, "outrages", people dressed as Indians, soldiers in homes, etc etc. I won't get into it, but suffice to say people were a little "put out."

- At Lexington someone fires an unordered shot (shot heard around the world). The British fire back, charge, regroup. Later, Militia attack the British force at Concord. Word gets out, all hell breaks loose.

- May 10, 1775 American forces led by Benedict Arnold and Ethan Allen capture Fort Ticonderoga in NY. Note that at this point there was still no official army.

- May 10, 1775 Second Continental Congress convenes in Philadelphia. John Hancock elected president with his giant, raving pen.

- June 14th, 1775 Congress establishes an official Continental Army. "Be all that thou can Be," as it were.

- June 15th, 1775 Congress unanimously votes to establish George Washington as commander-in-chief of the army. Washington accepts no payment other than expense compensation - take that, modern Congress!

- June 17th, 1775 The Battle of Bunker Hill - first major battle of the war. To make a long story short: British take the hill, but on the way lose over 1000 men. Continentals lose about 400.

- July 3rd 1775 Washington takes command of the Continental Army gathered at Cambridge, Massachusetts. He describes it as a "Mixed multitude of people...under very little discipline, order or government." But eventually, ol' Washington whips them into shape.

Well, the rest, as they say, is history. It is interesting to note that two days after Washington took command, Congress passed the "Olive Branch Petition," which was a direct appeal to the British for peace - so even then there was hope for a resolution. This was not to be however, as George III rejected the petition and claimed the colonies in "open rebellion."

Big mistake.

Today's Random Artifact Trivia: Now with Exploding Cannonballs!

2007-06-06T13:25:00.000-05:00

If you are like me, you spent weekends as a kid looking for ancient treasure, fighting dragons, and generally exploring - possibly with a phaser blaster. Also, if you are like me, you do this well into your thirties (except now dragons are on the protected list). At any rate, whatever your means of enjoyment, there is one thing we can all agree on - a 50-55% RH level is decent for mixed collections. I know, I don't have to tell you - you are reading your HOBO environmental monitoring equipment in your home closet as we speak - checking the list, adjusting the HVAC (which you installed in your house instead of going to Fiji). So in that spirit, here is some artifact trivia to discuss on your next first date (if you really want to impress, wear white curator gloves and ask your date not to touch the good china).

- Nails did exist in ancient times. The idea that nails didn't exist may come from the fact that nails were expensive (try making them sometime) and pegs were often used.

- Native Americans have been on this continent for over 11,000 years, possibly longer. Some archaeologists claim to have found tools dating to 50,000 years ago, although this has been highly debated. In general, the earliest culture is referred to as "Clovis", and the spear/knife points have a distinctive "Gothic arch" look to them - check it out: http://www.sdsmt.edu/wwwsarc/collectn/stone/clovis.html

- The great cannonball question - Do they explode? Well, the answer is some of them do, some don't. Many cannonballs (or "roundshot" for the nerds) were hollow on the inside with a fuse/plug that was ignited when the cannon fired, this would burn and eventually ignited the charge inside. Think "Bombs bursting in air". Some cannonballs, however, were solid and used to batter ship hulls or take out fortification walls. It's a matter of taste, really - do you prefer pretty explosions or splintering wood?

- Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son, John Lloyd Wright in 1916...."So, your father was a famous architect. What have you ever done?"...."I invented Lincoln logs. Ever heard of them?"

That's all for now. I'm sure you have written all this down and stored the paper in proper archival sleeves. Someday, centuries from now, they will find your notes and store them in even more proper archival sleeves. With full humidity control, of course.

Today's Museum Tip: More Than a Rock?

2007-05-19T13:04:00.000-05:00

You are at the most important dinner of the year. A 40-foot solid mahogany table is filled with investors who hold the fate of your small business in their powerful, cigar-stained hands. The conversation has become embarrassingly mundane, and you can see all your efforts and hard work collapsing like a failed Jinga tower. Mr. Cotton-Matherstein III just yawned for the forth time, and the widow Muffy Marmensok is starting to inhale wine like a beluga whale cruising for plankton.
Suddenly it occurs to you how to save the day. 'Of course!' you think, grabbing a fork and tapping loudly on your rented crystal glass.

"Ladies and Gentleman" you exclaim, face afresh and eyes sparkling "I know how to tell if you found an arrowhead!!!"

Energy cascades through the investors, their bodies shifting as they eagerly await this new and important information. Mumbling occurs - positive mumbling - as heads nod and attention focuses. Now, young entrepreneur, here are some quick facts about arrowheads:

- Actually, most of the "arrowheads" you find are not arrowheads at all, but spear-points or atl-atl points. The bow wasn't invented until relatively late in the Native American time-table (about 500 AD), so for most of their history they were using spears or atl-atl darts. For true nerdness, call them "projectile points".

- Look for percussion flaking marks - these are little indentations on the surface formed during fabrication. Native Americans would not have bothered to smooth the surface.

- Look for sharp edges and tips. Projectile points were made to kill - sometimes you will find a rock that is shaped like a point, but with thick edges and the like. Ask yourself - if it is placed on the end of a spear, could it easily penetrate your skin? (note: for all young male readers, do not try)

- With that fancy "internets" thing, archaeologists have amassed a large amount of reference data referring to point type and location. This data can generally be used to accurately date a point if the location is known, and is a great way to identify your find. Here is an example site: http://www.arrowheads.com/

Congratulations, you have now saved the day! The investors are abuzz with excitement, and Muffy is already talking about new boots for her arrowhead-finding expeditions. Perhaps your business can expand, and you can buy that townhouse in Tampa. Now, if you only knew what an atl-atl was.

Memorial Day: A little History, A Lot Of Honor

2007-05-19T11:55:00.000-05:00

Before I begin, the picture to the left is my Grandfather, Robert Kearney. He was a communications officer aboard a B-25 Bomber during WWII, and one of the greatest men to ever grace this planet. More coming on that in another post.

My mother recently told me something very interesting. I know what you are thinking - I was found in a tree stump, given up by trolls. No, you are wrong! And shame on you for thinking such a horrible thing (we all know I was left by gypsies). In actuality, she listed all the Memorial Day services being held in her community on the 28th. Why is this cool? Well, I don't have to tell you, it seems.

You see, there is great hope for our society. Sometimes popular culture celebrates the actor pretending to be a soldier more than the actual soldier. However - we as individuals do NOT, and this is very important. We all have our guilty pleasures - American Idol, Desperate Housewives etc. Mine is Buffy the Vampire Slayer (that's right, proud member of the Scooby Gang). But when it comes down to it, I bet any one of you would honor the soldiers who died for our country more than all of Hollywood combined. The media can throw what it wants at us, it doesn't matter - it's shaved Britney Spears' heads, it's pompous clothes designers snapping their fingers, it's American Idol rejects crying and running amok outside the audition room. Throw it all! In the end we all know, and always have known, what is most important in life.

That is America. We love the absurd and cherish the significant. We laugh at mundane sitcoms, yet stand and honor those who truly deserve it. We are a great people, sometimes we just need to remember.

For the 28th, Here are some quick facts about Memorial Day:

- Memorial Day began as a result of the Civil War. Various communities held services for the fallen, with veteran groups often leading the way. One of the earliest ones began in 1866 in Waterloo, NY (the official "birthplace" of Memorial Day), held on May 5th annually.

- As leader of the Veterans group "The Grand Army of the Republic," General John A Logan led the call for a national Memorial Day. On May 5th, 1868, Logan declared a national "Decoration Day" to be held on May 30th every year. That date was chosen because it was not the anniversary of any particular Civil War battle.

- At first, many Southern States refused to celebrate Decoration Day because of continuing hostility toward the North, although they held their own Confederate Memorial Days. This changed, however, after WWI as many of the veterans were from the South.

- The name "Memorial Day" was not used regularly until after WWII. Decoration Day likely came from the tradition of decorating soldiers graves with flowers and other items. Southern women's groups were particularly involved in this practice, and set an example for the rest of the nation.

- In 1968 Congress passed the "Uniform Holiday Bill" which moved four holidays to Mondays: President' Day, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day, and Memorial Day. This was done to create three day weekends, and moved the date of Memorial Day from May 30th to the last Monday of May. This may have inadvertently led to the dwindling of Memorial Day celebrations, as Americans became distracted by the three day weekend.

- Memorial Day specifically honors US soldiers that have fallen during military service. This is not to be confused with Veterans Day, which largely honors and thanks our living veterans.

- Since the 1950's, the 3rd US infantry places American Flags at all of the Graves at Arlington National Cemetery, then patrols the entire weekend to make sure the flags stand.

- Every year, the Boy and Girl Scouts place candles at each of the 15,300 graves at Fredericksburg and Spotsylvania National Military Park

- In 2000, the "National Moment of Remembrance" resolution was passed by Bill Clinton to ask for a voluntary moment of silence at 3:00 pm by all Americans each Memorial Day.

- In 2004, Washington DC held it's first Memorial Day Parade in 60 years.

Even with the best intentions, it is sometimes easy to forget Memorial Day with today's fast moving society. We all have done it, or at least not celebrated it as much as we should have. But we don't have to be perfect...America isn't perfect, and it is not supposed to be. America gives us the freedom to better ourselves, and perhaps that is most important of all. On Memorial Day, lets try to remember the men and women who died for our country.

"We cherish too,
the Poppy red
That grows on fields where valor led,
It seems to signal to the skies
That blood of heroes never dies."

- Miona Michael, 1915

Where has the time gone?

2007-05-18T11:19:00.000-05:00

Am I getting old? - I found a track from my band "Sugar Lloyd" from back in the day. This was recorded live at "Kilroys" around 1992.
http://www.jarodkearney.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/track.mp3
I wonder if the place even exists anymore. I know what you baby-boomers are thinking - "It wasn't THAT long ago, fella." But to me it seems like a century.
At any rate, The guitarist (Dave McCracken) is now a well-known key-boardist, playing his heart out with Donna the Buffalo and all kinds of cool bands. The drummer (Brad Lloyd) is now an amazing Jazz drummer, playing with all kinds of big names. I'm not sure what the bassist (Matt Webb) is doing these days, but if anyone knows drop me a line. The singer? Well, I'm the nerd with the artifacts. Although musically, I'm learning the banjo these days. It's a lot of fun, and I figure I'll be pretty good by the time I'm 80.
(Note: the song is a live jam, with it going from very loud to practically hearing nothing. Just so you won't be startled when it suddenly comes back in!)

A Thank You

2007-05-15T10:59:00.000-05:00

Just a moment to sincerely thank my cousins Sergeant Wade Vakulick and Lieutenant Colonel Nate Nastase for their service to our country.

Wade just got back from a tour in Iraq, putting his life here on hold and heading to one of the most dangerous places in the world. Nate is there right now for a couple weeks to prepare for another tour later this year. Nate has been to Iraq numerous times now, including the first Gulf War.

I can't even fathom the sacrifices these men have made . Also, think about their families and what they go through, and how amazing it is they pull through it. Their wives, kids, parents, and siblings. Especially Eileen and Susan, - thank you so much as well! It is truly incredible the support they give.

Anytime you have a bad day, just try to remember what these soldiers and their families have done for us.

King Herod Found - Critics Say "Looking a bit Pale"

2007-05-08T11:37:00.000-05:00

This just in! - They may have found King Herod's Tomb:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070508/ap_on_sc/israel_herod_s_tomb

I know, I know, lets not break out the calf-skin wine bags just yet. But I am excited for a number of reasons, not the least of which "Herod" is one of the few words that actually rhymes with "Jarod" - go ahead, try to think of some (Arid has already been taken).

Another is my cousin, "Tara the Great", and I find him interesting. For those that don't know, Herod was the King of Judea living ca 74 BC - 4 BC. He was the fellow involved with the massacre in Bethlehem as it was described in the Book of Matthew (allegedly...wrongful death suit in litgation). Despite this, he did many great things for his people - just do a google search and you will see what I mean. It was his son, Herod Antipas, who took an unfortunate exception to John The Baptist. This can be confusing, since both were named Herod.

Via Tara, the following history of the term "Sarcophagus" is quite interesting. Be sure to read it while eating, you with thank me. Incidentally, Tara not only has these random tidbits of information, but can properly handle a Japanese Katana - and I have proof. Just go to the "random" gallery on my homepage, www.jarodkearney.com, and you will see.

Word History: Sarcophagus, our term for a stone coffin located above ground and often decorated, has a macabre origin befitting a macabre thing. The word comes to us from Latin and Greek, having been derived in Greek from sarx, "flesh," and phagein, "to eat." The Greek word sarkophagos meant "eating flesh," and in the phrase lithos ("stone") sarkophagos it denoted a limestone that was thought to decompose the flesh of corpses placed in it.

Today's Random Curator Tips:

2007-05-04T08:37:00.000-05:00

I completely understand. You were sitting on the couch last night, eating your teriyaki chicken-salad, when the urge hit you like a rogue piano launched from a clown convention. "I want to know some random curator tips!" you called out, mouth agape and dripping ginger sauce. But you couldn't leave the TV, of course. After all, re-runs of "Cop Rock" were on, and no force on earth could make you miss that. Never fear, I am here to help - here are some random curator tips to quench that fiery and unbending urge:

- Keep your photos and other prize documents out of direct sunlight. Think of them as little vampires, hissing when they are in contact with sunlight. Light is one of the biggest enemies in the artifact world. In most homes, it is impractical (and silly) to shift your good furniture and decorations around to avoid sunlight - but if you have some cherished photos, framed documents, or other easily moved items - maybe take a minute to move them to a less bright area - they will thank you (possibly in tiny little voices).

- Keep the good stuff out of the attic. As my friend Mike says, there are two types of people in the world - those that make sweeping generalizations, and those who do not. Similarly, some of us are pack-rats, and some of us throw away last year's cellphone. At any rate, non-insulated attics are notorious for high temperatures and wild humidity fluctuation. If you can help it, keep your best items in an inside closet or similar place that benefits from your normal household air control.

- If someone is selling an "antique" chair or similar piece, turn it over and look for arced marks in the wood (from a circular saw). This is true for many types of wood furniture. Circular saws were generally not used in furniture-making before the late 1800s.

- To frame or not to frame. Was that last sentence cheesy? The answer is no, considering I could have said "15 minutes of frame." Anyway, here is the short answer: framing is good for most 2-d items, IF taken to a proper, reputable shop that knows what they are doing. Translation: you have to shell out the money. But to save the 110 year-old picture of old man Bagenworthenstein looking particularly grim, it is worth it.

Okay, that's enough for now. Now go forth, young grasshoppers, and curate away!

(Note: please do not place Teriyaki chicken on antique wood)

Why Easter Eggs?

2007-04-07T09:13:00.000-05:00

Well all know the story. A giant rabbit, presumably escaped from a mental hutch, runs amok and plants eggs for children to find. Oh sure, it seems innocent enough, but we all sense that, like the world of Winnie the Pooh, something is just not...quite...right. I'm sure he means well, but eggs? COLORED eggs? I mean, What's going ON here, anyway? Who is this rabbit, and why is he terrorizing the local chickens with his egg-stealing racket? Well, here are a few fun-facts to put your mind at ease.

- Like many holiday traditions, decorated eggs go further back than the holiday itself. Both eggs and rabbits are ancient symbols of fertility - if you need an explanation of why, just buy yourself some rabbits and you will find out in a hop, skip, and...oh never mind.

- The Persians painted eggs for their New Years celebration, which for them fell around the Spring Equinox. The resulting egg fights may or may not have blotted out the sun, depending on the uptightness of the historian consulted.

- It is possible eggs may symbolize the ending of lent, since some Christian groups prohibited eggs and dairy products during the period.

- Legend has it that Mary Magdalene presented the Roman Emperor with a red-colored egg, symbolizing Christ's breaking out of his tomb and his blood saving the world. Imagine the guts it took to do this - not just another pretty face!

- Although the origins of the Easter Bunny are not clear, the big fellow began showing up in the United States around the 18th century. The Pennsylvania Dutch called him "Osterhase", which besides being far more cool sounding, indicates his identification in their tradition as a "hare" rather than rabbit. Unfortunately, Elmer Fudd is currently in hunting litigation and unavailable for comment.

- There are modern references to the Germanic Goddess Eostre concerning the Easter Bunny. According to the ancient writer Bede, Eostre and her worship is origin of the name "Easter". A recent Pagan tradition tells of Eostre finding a wounded bird in the snow, then transforming it into a rabbit so it can survive. However, it retained the ability to lay eggs. Although this tradition didn't surface until 1900, the powers of the transformed rabbit distinguish it as the world's first "X-Animal".

- The White House Easter Egg Roll dates back at least to the early 19th century. Dolley Madison may have first suggested doing a public egg-roll, although the first official White House Lawn Egg Roll took place in 1878. Today, hundreds of kids hit the lawn each year in a fun-filled celebration, safe in the knowledge that the Easter Bunny is thoroughly frisked by Homeland Security.

Well, that's all for now. There is more to the story, of course, but I'm too busy stuffing my face with chocolate bunnies, and I recommend you do the same. What are you waiting for? Those cute little bunnies are staring at you, aren't they? Their delicious little ears are poking out, beckoning. You want those ears. You NEED those ears! It is useless to resist!

Lullaby

2007-03-26T23:37:00.000-05:00

My friend sent me such a great picture of her child - it made me laugh which I really needed tonight. I decided to sing a quick lullaby for the little cutey in return. Too big for my email, so I posted it here. V- forgive the singing, I haven't sung in a while and I don't know the chords well. Everyone else, sorry for the sappiness. But sometimes...you just gotta siiiing. Carry on to the next post.

http://www.jarodkearney.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderfiles/lullabyforlarkin.mp3

1920's Exhibit

2007-03-25T20:10:00.000-05:00

Here is part of a new exhibit on the 1920's I just made at the museum. I was a lot of fun to do, and the research was extremely interesting - women's movements, technology, fashion, expansion - all very cool. The small device below is a crystal radio I made for the kids to listen to, and it works...no batteries! (it's also slighty creepy to hear it, like you are in a WWI bunker)
For the beach-bums out there, notice the wool ladies bathing suit - believe it or not, that was considered "progressive" back then! The women of that era busted the shackles big-time - it is extremely cool to see. If anyone has found interesting research on the era, I would love to hear about it!
At any rate, it is fun to see visitors come in and check out the "Old School." I also have a section on prohibition, and there were plenty of speakeasies around here. I went out and took pictures of where they all were, and visitor's can't get over it - "Holy cow, that nice little restaurant was a speakeasy?"

Well, you cat's have a swell day, and don't be no hayburner!

Update

2007-03-14T09:29:00.000-05:00

Thank you to the Journal News for publishing my "Leprechauns with Botox: The History of St. Patrick's Day" on their site for St. Patrick's Day. It can be found at http://www.thejournalnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2007703160442
If you live in the Hudson Valley/Westchester area, you can find basically any local information you need on their sight...now including Leprechauns!

Leprechauns with Botox: The History of St. Patrick's Day in America

2007-03-06T16:24:00.000-05:00

It wasn't your fault. You had no idea traditional Irish music consisted of synth-guitars and double-bass drum kits until you went to the local "pub" and found out through a series of electrified power rifts. "The Verdant Braes Of Skreen," apparently, is traditionally screamed into the microphone while wearing a pair of leather chaps - dyed green of course. You also didn't know that the best way to honor America's legacy of Irish ancestry was to drink as much green beer as possible while howling incoherent phrases with a bunch of fat guys. Arm in arm, frothing, stumbling - it all starts to make sense. Eventually, it seems reasonable that not only did leprechauns exist, but they did indeed have PR agents. Yes, "Shamrock Shakes" are deeply historical, and yes, Saint Patrick would have wanted it that way...if you could remember who he was.

'Wait a minute,' you think to yourself after Jean-Pierre from accounting shows up in a green beret, 'what is this St. Patrick's Day thing anyway, and why do we celebrate it?' Well, here are a few highlights to win that next 3:00 am bar-bet:

- Saint Patrick was born Maewyn Succat in Britain in 389 A.D. His father Calpornius was a deacon and his grandfather Potitus was a priest (note: do not mention British ancestry in actual Irish pub)

- At the age of 16, Patrick was captured by pirates and sold into slavery for six years. Being sold into slavery was generally considered "a real bummer", but luckily Patrick had the gift of vision. He "saw" the ship that directed him to his escape, leading him to France where he became a priest (for God's Sake, do not mention the "French thing")

- Much later in life, Patrick returned to Ireland as a missionary with the vision to convert the Irish to Christianity. This may be seen as the "ultimate mid-life crisis," although it should be noted that red sports-carriages weren't involved. Through preaching, working with royal families, and setting up monasteries, Patrick was extremely successful in his mission.

- Patrick's missionary work upset many Celtic Druids, and he was arrested several times during his tenure. To make matters worse, he was constantly sued by animal-rights groups for his "anti-snake" theories.

- Patrick died on March 17, 461. Upon learning this, many Americans are amazed at the coincidence that he "actually died on ST. Patrick's Day". By the seventh century Patrick had become the patron saint of Ireland and recognized as the founder of Irish Christianity. The Druids, of course, referred to him as "Mr. Big-Party-Pooper".

- The Irish celebrated St. Patrick's Day as a religious holiday, although it became increasingly secular and proclaimed an Irish public holiday by the Bank Holiday Act in 1903. In many parts of Ireland, it is still considered largely a religious holiday.

- Irish Immigrants brought the traditions of St. Patrick's day to the 13 colonies as early as the 18th century. The first public celebration took place in Boston in 1737, with the tradition spreading to New York by 1756. These early celebrations were mostly upper-class, although belching loudly and rude scratching were still encouraged.

- The first New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade took place in 1762 by Irish troops in the British Army.

- In 1780, George Washington allowed his troops of Irish descent to take holiday on March 17, becoming known as the "St. Patrick Day Encampment." Some say the "British-fop-joke" record set that night is unbeaten to this day.

- In 1827 restrictions on Irish emigration were lifted by the British government - by 1835 over 30,000 Irish had come to the United States. Politicians across the country held hands and formed an actual shark-circle as they swarmed in on the new voting block. St. Patrick's Day become a mandatory endorsement for any politician hoping to win office.

- With the large number of uneducated and impoverished immigrants, "Irish Aid Societies" formed in major cities, each one holding their own celebration with music, dancing, or parades. Eventually, many of these societies merged their festivities, giving root to the larger celebrations seen today.

- During the 20th century, St. Patrick's Day took on an increasingly commercialized tone in the US. As celebrations spread, various industries seized upon the incredible marketing potential, altering their goods to reflect support of the unofficial holiday. Green Beer, Shamrock Shacks, Leprechaun Toilet-Paper - everything became fair game. Eventually, St. Patrick's Day came to be celebrated by everyone, regardless of nationality. This is generally considered a good thing, giving people an excuse to kiss multiple co-workers.

- In the 1970's St. Patrick's Day took on an activist tone, with various charity fund-raising and attention to the troubles in Ireland. In the 1980's gay-rights organizations protested the parade in New York, run by the "Ancient order of Hibernians." The Hibernians refused to let them march, giving a hand-circle with two snaps to the right.

- In 1998 Bill Clinton invited political parties of the Irish conflict to Washington for a peace initiative, resulting in the Good Friday Accord which called for sharing political power in Northern Ireland. Clinton gave FOUR snaps to the right followed by a full-on head-bob.

Today, America's St. Patrick's Day celebration is one of the largest celebrations in the world. With Irish and non-Irish alike united in the common cause of drinking cheap beer and thinking of excuses to miss work the next day, St. Patrick's Day has taken on a uniquely American meaning. For better or worse, we have taken it, loaded it into Bubba's shotgun, and blown it far across our amber waves of grain. And that is what we do. Were else can you eat green tofu and not throw up half an hour later?

In the end, despite it's shameless commercialism and 20-foot styrofoam clovers, St. Patrick's Day has somehow managed to unite us. Go to the bar on the 17th, take a look around. We are all there, all Americans, laughing together, telling stories, getting along for at least one brief moment.

Yes, St. Patrick may be turning over in his grave, but I like to think that he's doing so with just a hint of a smile.

---

Some Thoughts About History

2007-02-27T02:03:00.000-05:00

Why History? What is it about the past that inspires us to turn our heads from the present and gaze into human memory? Perhaps the toils and humdrum of everyday life get to be too much. Perhaps the never ending barrage of input thrust upon our fragile senses conflicts fundamentally with our natural selves. We all seem to be screaming "Enough! No more flashing lights, beepers, and neon! No more commuter lanes, rush hour, and ‘construction for the next 5 miles’! No, we don’t want to be asked at the airport if our luggage has been handled by anyone else, we don’t want to be put on hold, and for God's sake, please stop making such fast-paced, fast-cutting, ‘hip’ commercials!" Yet it keeps coming, endless and escalating, and there seems to be nothing we can do about it.

So where does history fit in? History can give us a glimpse into what was and what was meant to be. It can fill us with perspective and, if we are lucky, meaning. It teaches us that we don’t have to ignore the past, but rather embrace it, and let it guide our present with the simple truth that part of who we are, is who we were.

There are some who believe that we should live entirely in the present, that to study history is to study a colossal waste of time. They say the only thought of any value is a thought in the present, the only efficient action is one taken toward the future. How hopelessly bored these people must be. History is not just a bunch of distant facts and obscure references (although as an eight-year-old once put it, it is filled with a lot of "dead guys"), it is a journey which we are all part of. It is the record of an entire race of beings, with all our love, compassion, fears, laughter, and outcries. History shows our tremendous capacity for good as well as evil, our accomplishments, our shortcomings, our reason, and our insanity. It is a map to the very nature of man, where we have separated from other animals, and where we are sometimes too similar.

Perhaps above all, history is a gift. It is precious knowledge that results from time and existence. If we use it, we can find perspective on who we are as a people, where we are going, and why. History gives us the ability to see ourselves as clearly as we choose to, whether it be finding out who invented shoelaces, or figuring out where our instincts end and our souls begin.

History, in the end, is not separate from the present or the future. It is as real as our lives are real. By allowing the past into our lives, we allow all the knowledge, work, and experience of our ancestors into our lives. That is not something we should ignore, but something we should cherish, learn from, and honor. If we allow it, it can show us the very best of our humanity, the very best of ourselves, and ennoble us with faith in our fellow man, hope for our future, and illumination in our daily lives.

My Crazed Beast, Mr. Cat

2007-02-23T01:04:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the sappiness, but I found an old picture (I think 2002?) of me and Mr. Cat when I first got him. Isn't he cuuutte? Awwww (gags, apologizes). What you don't know is that he is HUGE, fully capable of taking out a small army of possums, and has been known to attack actual trucks.

He is, however, a "people person". For example, when I lived in Greensboro I was awoken at 3:00 am by a huge fight at a party next door. I looked out the window, and there were probably about 10 people scuffling around in a drunken fervor. Interesting to be sure, but out of the corner of my eye I saw a large gray object. Sure enough, Mr. Cat walked straight into the middle of the mêlée, with his usual "Hey guys, what's up?" look on his face (I'm talking RIGHT into the middle of it). They were oblivious, legs stomping and arms flailing. Mr. Cat obviously felt it was his duty to record such odd human behavior. I ran outside, and the cops showed up. Mr. Cat sat right next to them, fascinated by the flashing lights and random yelling. The cops got a big kick out of it!

Anyway, the legacy of Mr. cat is far from over, and he continues to astonish me in one way or another!
(note: I apologize for the typical blogger "look at my cat!" post! Carry on)

Romance in a Mass-Produced Envelope: The History of Valentine's Day

2007-02-08T10:26:00.000-05:00

It could be the most important decision of your life. You stand there, pale and sweating, your eyes besieged by the endless aisles of red-satin boxes and cheaply-made plastic flower bouquets. Should you go with chocolate, or is that "so 2007"? Should there be roses, tulips, or carnations....hmmmm, which one of those is for funerals? And didn't a commercial just inform you that you are completely worthless unless you buy some sort of chain with a series of pretty rocks attached? My GOD, What do you do?

You begin to convince yourself that a nice set of fishing lures will last longer, AND have the added benefit of creating quality time for the two of you. Yeah, that's right - fishing lures! But wait, something is telling you..yes, there is definitely a distinct part of your primitive brain that is actually resisting this new theory. Your face flushes, your hands twitch, your feet begin sweating with frustrated vigor.

"Wait a minute!" you exclaim, "What has led me to this loathsome circumstance? What monstrous alchemy of human mechanism evolved itself into these wretched circumstances? Whose idea WAS this, Anyway!!'

Well, noble explorer of bath-stores and cheap seasonal holiday carts, here are some highlights from the bounteous and scented history of Valentine's Day:

- The ancient world often associated mid-February with fertility. The Roman holiday of Lupercalia was held on February 15 to purify new life and increase fertility. The Greek Month of Gamelion was dedicated to the blessed marriage of Zeus and Hera (without swan references, of course).

- 23,019 BC Gogak the Hog-Killer was the first to romance his potential mate by picking flowers. Although poisonous and resulting in an embarrassing rash, the flowers were appreciated and spun the phrase "It's the almost-thought that kind-of counts"

- 100 AD Valentinius of Alexandria was born. An early Bishop of Rome, Valentinius believed that the marriage chamber was actually important, causing numerous huffs and puffs and an occasional fainting.

- 496 Pope Gelasius I declared the "Feast of St. Valentine", referring to an earlier martyred saint (different than Valentinius) whose birth and death are not confirmed. Little is known about this early saint, although it may be a priest who was executed in the 3rd century by Cladius II. Incidentally, no cards were sent.

- 1382 Chaucer writes the first recorded correlation of Valentine's day with romantic love in his "Parlement of Foules". It is possible that the traditions of modern Valentines Day did not exist before Chaucer's writing, but rather started to come into their own around this time.

- Earliest surviving Valentine was a poem written by Charles the Duke of Orleans to his wife in 1415. Of course, being imprisoned in the Tower of London tends to bring out the romantic in you.

- English settlers bring the concept of Valentines day to North America in the 19th century. Hundreds of chocolate executives gathered in a dark room to laugh maniacally and rub their hands together (with actual organ music playing in the background).

- The first mass-production of Valentine cards began after 1847 by Esther Howland of Worchester, Massachusetts, whose father owned a stationary store.

- 1891 first case of "Valentine Insomnia", as New Jersey third-grader Herbert Bard debated whether Susy from school loved him based on the size of a mandatory Valentine card. Also first recorded case of broken heart by "cooties".

- 1929 In a sweeping gesture of romance, ol' softy Al Capone guns down seven members of a rival gang, forever known as the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

- As television and mass production sink deeply into the American psyche during the 20th century, Valentine's Day becomes increasingly associated with gifts and the gift-card industry. Some husbands claim this is good, as they can sum up all their love in one convenient, logical gesture. Other's claim this is bad because now they have to remember their anniversary AND Valentine's day. Two whole days? "What is this," they claim, "some kind of cruel joke?"

- 1980's The Diamond Industry begins actively courting the American public to associate Valentine's Day with their product. Although they aren't edible, diamonds are generally considered "interesting to look at", so the plan, of course, works.

- 2007 Valentine's Day is a worldwide phenomenon. For many, it is a day of love, generosity, and appreciation. Sappy? Yes, but heartfelt....and in the end that is all that matters.

- 2008 Sushi executives gather in secret chamber to plot their new wave of association advertisements. Coming soon: "Sushi: Because Romance is in the Guts"

Well, there you have it. Now quit being a wimp and buy something. And make it nice, will ya? Ol' St. Valentine is watching!

A Historical Short-Story: "The Mechanism"

2007-02-02T13:11:00.000-05:00

The Mechanism
By Jarod Kearney

"My Emperor, we MUST impel the device. Our paths are ending… we have no choice!"

General Rubicus stood in the central hall of the Roman capital Ravenna, the massive tiered columns and white stone walls echoing faintly with sounds of feet and metal. His field officers stood lined with him, their bodies still wet with sweat and dragged mud from the ancient swamp surrounding the city.

Emperor Romulus Augustus stood, his youthful face contorted in a slight sneer.

"Ridiculous. I'm not touching that....MACHINE."

Romulus moved down from his throne, his eyes passively gazed above the General's head.

"It was made by a madman. My advisers tell me he is a rube from the borders of Britannia."

General Rubicus clutched his hand tighter around the bone-pommel gladius.

"He has come through for us before. His adjustments to our balistas, his orientations of tactical siege equipment. He is the finest craftsman I know, regardless of his various and questionable methodology. If he asserts this device will beset our enemies and ultimately oppress their ranks, I have to grant him that reason, despite its apparent peculiarity."

Romulus' advisers, backed crudely into a corner, clicked their tongues and shifted. The Emperor looked sideways at them, then quickly upward again.

"Repelling barbarians with a barbarian. It is an insult, it's so trite. My heritage and blood cast down upon this city, that is what will save us, not some geared mechanism of bronze and gold. You are a fool to put your faith in such crafts."

Rubicus stepped forward, straining slightly in his bow. Between him and the emperor lay a small bronze box, its polished inlays revealing a single out-cropped button of turned gold.

"Odoacer is upon us, that is the truth of things. My columns cannot hold such audience as to repel the impossible. The Heruli have breached the palisade, their assemblage pressing without relief or hope of relent. There is nothing left now but faith...Nothing! We must activate it. If Orestes were alive he would have understood this."

"My Father" interrupted Romulus, his teeth exposed with anger, "was an idealist who would have his Empire ruled through puppetry and gimmick! What was the end of all his orations? He was befouled by the very primitives who violate us now. And you would have me contaminate my breath with actions of faith? It is you who are the puppet, general. You wish me to step down from my blood and beg the vulgar workings of a lunatic?"

Romulus kicked the box hard into the wall. It did not break, but tumbled sideways and fell back into a marble recess. General Rubicus started, his eyes open with disbelief. Romulus smiled, turning his back on the General.

At that moment, the air opened with the sound of distant drums. Faint screams began to rise, and the sound of hoofs increased rhythmically. General Rubicus looked toward his men, nodding slightly. In cessation, the officers turned and wearily walked out of the hall toward the oncoming noise. Rubicus followed, unsheathing his sword. As he crossed through the doors, he paused and glanced back toward the abandoned box.

"Fool" he muttered. Gathering his armor tighter against his chest, General Rubicus sharpened his eyes deeply and walked toward the oncoming battle. The Heruli army swelled before him in a great moving mass, the warriors howling and pulling their Germanic locks like a thousand unhinged savages let loose upon the scattering city.

-------

(1,600 years later...)

Archaeologist Michael Castellucio's hand shook as he carefully removed the bronze box from its covered recess and resting place for the last 15 centuries.

"It's unprecedented! Don, have you ever seen such perfect preservation?"

Assistant Archaeologist Don Lucana sat crouched in the palisade excavation strata, his hands folded in front of him as if he were praying.

"No, no...Michael, look at the patina, even the ends layered in the earth. Wait, don't move it any more, I want Carl to get that angle."

Carl remained silent, his student camera documenting every inch of the dig plane. Instinctively, he leaned toward the left side to get a better shot.

"Thanks, Carl. If I'm not mistaken, this artifact will be the pride of the National Museum of Ravenna."

Michael moved the box up out of the final inch, setting it gently in the open.

"True, and we don't even know what it is." He chuckled. "Carl, I hate to tell you, but I think we just eclipsed your English archeology for the next ten years!"

Carl smiled, snapping another picture. The Ravenna Historical Society had fully funded the dig on the condition that any objects found would remain within the city. Michael and Don immediately offered their services, eager to excavate the area seen by many as the last life-thralls of the Western Roman Empire.

"Don, come here, look at this." All three men leaned in. A round button-like protrusion could easily be discerned protruding from the top surface.

"Is that gold? Don, is it? Here, clean it off."

Don began carefully removing residual dirt from the surface, his brush delicately swabbing in parallel strokes. Suddenly, the button depressed into the box with a sharp click.

"What did you do? What..."

"I barely touched it...you saw, I was just brushing the dirt! Shit!"

All three men sat back on their haunches. Carl lowered his camera, his face contorted upward into faint trepidation. The men sat back for a moment, then jumped as the box emitted a sudden, deep whir.

"What?" Don whispered.

The whirring grew louder, the sound of obvious gears grinding to life and spurring within. The men could not move, but stared in disbelief at the vibrating chastity. With a loud inner collision, the whirring stopped. The sounds of moving taxis and street vendors filled the air over the unexpected silence. Within seconds, an earsplitting vibration discharged from the box, its high intensity tossing the men back as they covered their ears.

"Don! What....is that....coming from the BOX?"

The men clenched down as the vibration resonated high above the dig. It pitched higher and higher, pulsing out in waved inflection. Its strength seems to increase as it moved to higher and higher scales, shrieking out with mechanical tenure. The men could barely keep from collapsing, the shrill intonation penetrating through their covering hands despite their best efforts. Eventually, the pitch rose above human hearing, and, as quickly as the vibration started, they could no longer hear it. Cautiously, they removed the hands from their ears.

"I don't....Michael...what just happened?"

Michael gathered himself, breathing out sharply.

"Look, the box is still vibrating. We just can't hear...." Michael stopped. His body shook slightly as he felt a swift rush of energy. He backed up, his muscles tightening. He could feel his face flush as sudden and uncontrollable waves of adrenaline coursed through him. He looked over at Don, who also paused and backed up, obviously affected in a similar fashion. Carl just stared at the two men, confused by their new expressions.

"Don, I just...."

"Yeah, I feel it...I...what is that?"

Michael stood. His body urged forward almost involuntarily, his arms swinging out. He began to stomp his feet despite himself, in what he could only discern as pure, complete aggression.

In the streets above, cars began to pull over and bicyclists stopped as men made their way onto the sidewalks, some huffing uncontrollably, others swinging their fists into the empty air. Others could be heard laughing, stomping their feet with pugnacity and moving about in circles. Throughout the city, honking and the sonorous voices of men cascaded out in increasing diameter, the effect moving forward, outward, until the entire metropolis was turbulent with the sounds of emulation and archaic outcries.

--------

"WPIX, NY. This is Channel 12 with the Six O'clock News. I'm Cindy Reynolds."

"It has been three weeks since the sudden and deliberate attack on southern Germany and eastern France by the Italian National Army. The undisputed and consistent victories by the previously moderate-grade army was at first attributed to the element of surprise, yet despite military intervention by several allied European countries, the Italians continue to push forward with unstoppable force. Tonight, we have breaking news which may explain this phenomenon. Our guest is head of the ARWA think-group Dr. Julian Tarhri. Dr., welcome to the program."

"Thank You"

"It has been much debated these last weeks on the political reasons behind the invasions, but I understand you have evidence to explain the seemingly invincible nature of what most would consider a small to mid-sized army."

"Yes, Cindy, our group has discovered a resonant frequency placed hidden through a previously unknown spectrum of sonic carriers. This wave has been undetectable until now, and stimulates brain activity by mimicking the chemical vibrations of neuro transmitters. By doing this, the frequency directly targets the areas of the brain associated with aggression and the adrenal glands. By our estimation, the vibrations compound the release of adrenaline into the body by at least 200%. This would account for the reports of increased strength and stamina seen in the Italian nationals."

"Wait, wait Jules -- may I call you Jules? Are you telling me that a radio wave is doing this?"

"No, it's not a radio wave; it's a resonant frequency piggy-backing on a higher..."

"Well, why is it only affecting Italians? You've heard the reports of Italian Americans returning to Italy in masses, some even sabotaging American equipment before they go, but only the full-blooded Italians seem to be affected. How do you explain this?"

"We can't, not officially. However, some of our geneticists have theorized that the frequency may be so finely tuned that it has activated dormant sequences somehow particular to those of Italian decent. Others believe it has within its wave-length tiny distortions that associate with human genetic codes by geography, relating to the original migrations of Homo-Sapiens and their adaptation to their local environment, in this case the peninsula of Italy. It could be however, that...."

"Thank you Julian, but we have breaking news from our correspondent Tom McDirmond live from Rome. He has finally been allowed limited access to the central square where President Giorgio Napolitano is addressing the country. Tom....can you hear us?"

Tom McDirmond stood on the sides of a massive crowd swaying and chanting into the mid-summer air. President Napolitano stood on a tiered platform, the speakers echoing loudly into the square. Tom was being shoved back and forth in the frenzy, and occasionally someone pushed him deliberately yelling something in Italian. He did his best to maintain his composure as he spoke into the microphone.

"Cindy....can you hear me? Yes......I am here at President Napolitano's State address....Cindy....I have never seen anything like this. The fervor is deafening....Cindy; the citizens of Rome have come out by the thousands, exhibiting behavior which can only be described as powerfully manic, almost savage. They are shouting something....Cindy, hello...."

Tom was knocked violently to the ground, his microphone tossed backward. The camera fell to its side, continuing to show images of the uncontrolled horde swarming in unison. President Napolitano shouted through the speakers, raising his arms in sudden and bursting gestures.

"Tom? Tom? It seems we lost him. What?...the feed is still showing. I can't quite make out what they are saying."

The camera bumped as the crowd moved back and forth, the howling shouts overcoming the President's speech. For a moment, the feed cleared, showing Napolitano screaming into the microphone.

"Conquisteremo il mondo e riprendiamo, il nostro impero legittimo!!!"

Raising his arms upward to the sky, Napolitano gazed fiercely into the crowd, the voices of a thousand Roman citizens chanting and frothing madly in response:

"Desidera in tensione l'impero!! Vive Caeser!! Vive Caeser!!! VIVE CAESER!!!!"

- End

Ivory Handled Custom Sgian Dubh

2007-02-02T12:19:00.000-05:00

Here is a custom sgian dubh I made for a customer. I kind of like this design, it was fun to make!

Here are some more:

http://www.jarodkearney.com/id11.html

Caligula: Crazed, Running Amok, and Looking FABULOUS!

2007-01-24T11:22:00.000-05:00

In January of 41 AD, the Roman Emperor Caligula was assassinated by his own Praetorian Guards. This, of course, raised some doubts about his "living god" status, not to mention ruined his favorite designer toga. Caligula is widely considered to be one of the worst Roman emperors of all time, indeed one of the worst leaders of any culture. Some say this was in part due to his addiction to violent video games, other say that he may have suffered from brain inflammation or epilepsy. In any case, psychics report that his spirit is jealous that googling "worst leader ever" comes up with so many Bush hits, when he worked so hard to achieve that honor.

What was so bad about the "Caligster" you might ask? After all, did he not do much for animal-rights by building a mansion for his horse? Well, here are some highlights from his distinguished career (note - many of these may be more legend than fact, think of a giant 2,000 year sewing circle):

- Born August 31, 12 AD. His first words were "What, no cake?"

- At a young age, his father Germanicus brought him on military campaigns, dressing him up in miniature armor. He earned the nickname "Caligula" from this, which means "little boot"

- After the death of Tiberius in 37, Caligula ascended to the throne with much pomp and ado. He had a two mile bridge of pontoons built, which he rode his horse across wearing the supposed breastplate of Alexander the Great. His first several months were said to be extremely delightful and prosperous before taking a turn for the worst. Some sources see an uncanny similarity to most marriages.

-Became seriously ill in October of 37. Although he fully recovered, the "salad" days were gone, replaced by the "So, you-guys-think-you-can-party, I'll-show-you-a-party!" days.

- In 39 replaced the Consuls without Senate permission. To make more friends, he forced some Senators to run along his chariot in public like horses.

- Declared himself a god, and demanded to be worshiped accordingly. He had the heads of many divinity statues replaced with his own, including female goddesses. Freud later seen drooling with delight.

- Held auctions of Senator's wives during his "parties". He would often take the wives himself, later bragging about it in front of the helpless husbands. Some say this resulted from a comedy act in which he took the phrase "Take my wife, please!" slightly too literally.

- Had incestuous relations with all three of his sisters, making numerous appearances on the popular "Jerrius Springerus" show.

- Declared his horse a priest, built it a mansion and lavished it with jeweled necklaces.

- When convicts ran out for the lions, he would sometimes throw in random spectators.

- Claimed, "Let them hate me, so long as they fear me." Earliest recorded mention of the neo-con philosophy.

- Held an oratory contest in which the losers had to erase their wax tablets with their tongues (you read right).

- Had insomnia, and would often "order the sun to rise" when he couldn't sleep. Impressively, this usually worked if he waited long enough.

- Opened a brothel in the imperial palace. Considered changing his name to "C-Diddy"

- He was sensitive about his balding head and abundant body-hair. He made it a crime to look down on him from above, or mention goats in his presence.

- 41 ad Caligula, his wife Caesonia, and his daughter were killed by his own Praetorian Guard. His last words were "Hey, you call that a stabbing?"

Well, there you have it. Good ol' Caligula. The big "C". The man whose mere mention brings up sounds of bongo drums and images of giant feather fans. If he were alive today, he would either become a tabloid dirt editor, or a well-respected member of the Senate. Either way, I'm sure after several minutes of watching TV he would say "I just LOVE you guys!"

Sauron: Dark Lord of Mordor or Motivated "Go-Getter"?

2007-01-19T10:28:00.000-05:00

In the ambitious epic "The Lord of the Rings," Tolkien makes it clear that Sauron and his followers are the "bad" guys - "evil-doers" if you will - to be resisted and driven back into the foul depths of Mordor. But like many conflicts, the source of antipathy could simply be based on cultural misunderstanding - an unfortunate transverse of ethnology. This misconstruction challenges us to examine not only our methodology of social perception, but canvass ourselves as a people and those we judge.

Take the Ringwraiths for example. Sure they are trying to seize the one true ring and destroy any who oppose it's return, but at least they are motivated. They have a strategic plan, and are simply following through to meet their objectives. Who are we to curse them for being efficient? Organization and motivation are qualities hallowed by our business infrastructure, yet the Ring-Wraiths are portrayed as relentless monsters. They are shown as pale, skeleton-like creatures as if that's a bad thing. Are they not just Heroin-chic? The fitness/cosmetic/fashion industries spend millions each year parading fitness plans and fads, and now we are saying that the Ring-Wraiths are ugly because they found an effective diet?

Further, what's so abominable about being an Orc? Sure they seem ugly and foul with embarrassing sweating problems, but we undoubtedly seem just as ugly and foul to them. Are we not supposed to with-hold judgment based on ones' appearance? Does this rule suddenly stop for the Orcs? What does this say to our children - that tolerance is only valid when it's convenient?

In addition, can we really blame the Orcs for such Type-A personalities? Suraman himself said that the Orcs were once elves who were twisted into Orcs. These people were obviously traumatized. Perhaps it's not their fault for pillaging and constantly yelling, but their parents. Maybe if they had some proper counseling they wouldn't have these psychotic outbursts with no outlet or sympathetic ear. The next time you see an Orc attack with a battle-Ax, remember it's not their fault. Blame the psychologist who failed to see it coming as well as their parents for not offering enough nurturing support.

Furthermore, the concept of saving Middle-Earth for the "good" creatures needs serious reconsideration. What qualifies Hobbits, Dwarfs, Elves and Humans to inherit Middle-Earth? The races are ripe with deadly sins: Hobbits eat and drink all day long. Dwarfs greedily dig in their mines to the point of unleashing ancient fire-demons. Elves are arrogant and judgmental with enough pride and vanity to put Vulcans to shame. And Humans are capable of destruction beyond Saurons wildest dreams. What makes us think we are more deserving than the indigenous population of Mordor? And who's to say our landscaping plan is more efficient?

Finally, what is so bad about serving Sauron? Sure he's cruel, demanding, and unsanitary, but is that REALLY any different than some of the bosses you've had? Yes he is trying to take over the world and rule its inhabitants, but at least he has goals. And talk about dedication - anyone who waits 2 1/2 thousand years to get a ring is an enthusiastic person. Sauron is a strong, motivated, and effective leader who doesn't follow polls or what's "popular," but rather his own heart. How many politicians can we say that about? I say it's time to take an honest look at ourselves and those we would condemn. Perhaps it's not Sauron and his hordes of blood-thirsty Orcs we really hate, but ourselves.

Things to Talk About at a Fashion Party: How to Take Care of Your Antique Knives

2007-01-11T09:53:00.000-05:00

As everyone knows, if you drive through back roads while on vacation, your car will inevitably break down and you WILL be surrounded and captured by rednecks. As they mock your well-manicured, soft hands and kick in your tail-lights, you will notice that not only are their knives functional, but well cared for. I say this is the perfect opportunity to create a common bond, a "sharing bridge" between you and the locals by discussing the fine tradition of knife maintenance.

Here are some helpful hints (note: applies to modern knives too!):

- Touch the blade as little as possible. Whether you know it or not, we all have oils on our fingers that wreak havoc with steel. When we touch the blade those oils are left behind. Over time the blade will start to corrode, even stainless steel. Use the handle for torque and leverage as much as possible. This is impractical in many situations such as whittling, skinning, or being an idiot at the campfire, so don't stress over it; just be aware that it happens.

- Keep it sharp: A sharper knife is actually less dangerous than a dull one which requires more pressure.

- After use, clean the blade as soon as possible. Honing oil works, as does many gun-kit oils and basic household oils. If you want to get traditional, use Japanese oil of cloves or camellia oil, but you have to wear a full samurai outfit. For stainless steel, just wash and dry.

- Even in disuse, oil your blade once every few months. Your blade will thank you.

- Keep it away from intense heat. Remember in Rambo II when they heated his knife to red-hot during the interrogation? Ruined the temper and edge-hardness. Luckily it was reheat-treated when they plunged it into his cheek. Also when fighting Visigoths don't dip the blade in flames for cooler effect. You will be laughed at, and probably killed.

- To remove rust spots, try rubbing with kerosene and a cotton cloth, clean off with acetone, then apply oil. Don't use sand-paper or other harsh grit unless you don't care if the blade surface is ruined.

- When wanting to hold someone's knife, it is proper protocol to ask permission first. Receive and hold by the handle - do NOT touch the blade. It is impolite to run your fingers up and down the blade (unless you borrowed the knife for use and have to). When handing back, hold by the top of the handle and present handle-first. This can be tricky with smaller knifes, but quit being so modern and do it.

Of utmost importance in the care of a sword or knife is respect. Remember always that any blade is capable of inflicting injury, especially if disregarded. Knifes are one of our earliest human tools, part of the basic canon of human technology - 100,000 years of human progression has given you this birthright. Take care of them...after all, Goggamook of the sweating-toad Cave Tribe would have wanted it that way.

Now you know how to take care of a knife. Make sure to bring crying tissues with you when bonding with the Rednecks!

James Bricker

2006-12-30T03:56:00.000-05:00

Jim Bricker was a friend of the family for as long as anyone can remember - childhood buddies with my grandfather, Robert Kearney. He was a veteran of WWII, and the picture to the left was taken during the war. The story is that he was at a dinner, and volunteered to dress up, much to the delight of his friends. That phrase - "Much to the delight of his friends" seems to come up a lot when stories of Jim are told.

I won't attempt to truly convey Jim's qualities, as words don't capture him at all. You had to be around him - know him, to really understand what I'm talking about. He was - again for lack of better words - of a different era. Politicians like to talk about the American spirit, the good-ol-days, the time when men were honorable. Our modern cynicism casts aside those sentiments, arrogantly asserting that they don't exist, and never existed. But we are wrong. I know we are because I knew Jim.

Jim was completely selfless, serving others in every way a person can serve - his friends, his family, his community, his country - we were all better people when he was around. His wit and humor are the stuff of legend - I cannot think of a single Bricker dinner when the table wasn't in hysterics by the first course. Even with multiple surgeries and knee replacements he was traveling to the local retirement home and cracking up his friends. That's the kind of person he was.

Jim passed away this last August. When he died, an era ended, it's as simple as that. There will never be another like him. He was an unyielding spirit, the last of his kind - a true and great American. I was honored to know him, and I will never forget my friend.